Tears and Texts

I want to thank you all for the unbelievable support you have given me over the last couple of weeks.  I sometimes let my OD duties rest on the back burner, but every time I come back around, you’re still here for me.  I’ve gotten a ton of notes on the last several entries, many of them private, and though I’ve tried to respond to a lot of them, there’s no way I can reply to them all.  Please know that I do appreciate your advice.

That being said, I’d like to clarify something about my last entry.  I received several notes about the simultaneous conversations going on between Bobby, Alsie, and myself.  Some people assumed that I was having my dirty work done for me by my best friend (many of these were random noters), but that is not the case.  I have talked to Alsie in depth about my situation, but I have never asked her to offer her opinion to him.  Since the New Years Eve fiasco, I have been completely up front with Bobby about my feelings for him.  He’s just reluctant to accept them.  Bobby initiated the conversation between Alsie and himself.  I wasn’t even supposed to know it was going on.  Alsie, being the best girlfriend on the planet, didn’t want to say anything inappropriate, so she asked my advice on how to respond.  I told her that he and I have had several long talks, that I have admitted to him that I’m no longer in love with him, and that I trust her judgment on what to say.

Last night, after picking up his de-scorched Beamer, Bobby and I had dinner at Olive Garden.  He was acting strange all evening.  He was being short with me, and he consistently interrupted any conversation that I tried to initiate.  About halfway through dinner, he apologized for his behavior, and the rest of the meal was nice.  When we arrived home, we again sat in separate rooms to play video games.  Nothing was ever mentioned about the possibility of moving out or even our relationship until just before we went to sleep.  He said, "I think things will be better when I start my job on Monday," and we both drifted off to sleep.

I woke up around 3am to the sound of Bobby playing Halo in the living room.  I thought nothing of it and went back to sleep.  This morning, he was back in the bed with me when the alarm went off.  I took my time getting out of the bed, and my stirring woke him up, too.  As I stood in the dark, looking out the window at the snow coming down, he asked me if I remembered sleep walking last night.  I do remember getting out of bed and trying to swat something out of the air.  However, that was when he was playing the video game, and I never left the bedroom.  He told me that I, at one point, walked into the living room and started pointing and making fun of him.  He said that I kept telling him that I didn’t want to sleep with him because he’s ugly and I could do so much better.  Then I just laughed.  I’ve never once thought that about him.  I hate that I talk and walk in my sleep because I have absolutely no control over it.  It’s sometimes downright embarrassing.

This morning, things took a sharp southward turn.  I assumed that Bobby had read Alsie’s message yesterday afternoon and that it was why he was being so rude during the first half of dinner.  I was wrong.  He didn’t read it until shortly after I arrived to work.  This prompted an onslaught of text messages.
Bobby: I think that I’m officially completely devastatedly heartbroken.
Me: What? Where did that come from?
Bobby: I’ll send you where and why I got that from.
Me: Um, okay.
Bobby: I just sent it to your email. Have a good day.

Bobby’s email (along with copy of Alsie’s message):
As if this is going to help my day get better. Dont tell her that I sent you this, I asked her opinion on if there is anything more that I could do for us and this whole problem.
The numbness, lack of affection, all that we have discussed, all because of a small problem that has been fixed.
So if this is wrong and you have hope and want to continue, let me know. Otherwise……I dont know what the hell Im going to do, I dont know if the job is worth my time being as the reason I moved here was for you.
That is where the text came from and this is by no means something that I wanted to happen and still I hope…but some say that hope is for fools.
And after the comments you made while sleep walking last night, I am so sicken by this. I dont know what to do with myself.
If there is any way to not feel this way, I wish that you would tell me.

Bobby (thirty minutes later): So this is valid isnt it?
Me: We’ll talk about this when i get home. I can’t do this at work or thru texts.
Bobby: I don’t see what there is to talk about. You made up your mind on new years.

His persistence prompted me to write a letter to him.  I prefer to have conversations like this face to face, but as demonstrated several nights ago, he’s difficult to talk to anyway.  He rarely listens to what I’m saying, he often interrupts, and if he doesn’t like what he’s hearing, he manipulates the conversation.

Me (one hour later): I have a letter for you. Do you want it now, or do you want it when i get home?
Bobby: Written from you? And let me guess, it basically says is not possible fo ryou to feel the same way, right?
Me: Written from me, and it explains a lot of things.
Bobby: And all of them are going to say that you want out, right?
Me: Let me ask you something. Are you happy? Not in this moment, but in general.
Bobby: Im happy with you, always have been. But it frustrates me to not have you in the moment. You are caught up in the past of what i did or how you felt.
Bobby: I might not understand your question.
Me: No, that’s what I was asking, and that was kind of my point. I’m not caught up in the past. The past molded how I feel now.
Bobby: So one month of something that could have been addressed yet left alone has molded you into feeling as if you cant trust me? What sense is that?
Bobby: And to go ahead and say thats it bc of that is not how i thought of you. You have given it 10 days and all the sacrifices made were for nill?
Bobby: And i told you i was willing for anything, anything, to make this work. I have no say in the matter, i think that hurts more than anything else.
Bobby: Its as if to say, the fact that i sincerely love you and want the best, means absolute shit to you.
Me: It does NOT not mean shit to me. I emailed you.
Bobby: And my point was is that you are not living or feeling anything bc you dont want to based off of something that was not or was not supposed to be a relationship changing thing.  I still find this to be very disturbing.
Bobby: All this talk of honesty in the beginning, has slip

ped through when you were not honest with me about a problem you had.
Me: My problem?
Bobby: A problem or concern that you had about me, is what I meant.
Bobby: We shouldnt even be in this position. How the hell did we get here? What went wrong? I remember you saying to me once that you needed your space.
Bobby: I think that is still true. If had my own place, then the time that we would have spent together would have been special. Not taken for granted.
Me: When did I say that?
Bobby: When we were in chatt. We were at your mother’s house.

My email:
I don’t in the slightest like to say these things in a letter, but sometimes this is the only way I can remember or get out everything that I need to say without interruption.

I’m going to assume that message came from Alsie, since I haven’t talked to Tammy about any of this in depth.  The things she said in her message are basically the same things I said to you the night that we sat up in the bedroom talking.  I told you that I am numb.  That I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not really anything.  As the conversation progressed that night, you turned the tables around and placed all of the blame on me.  Your exact words were, "Well, obviously this is nothing that I’ve done wrong.  You just can’t get in touch with your feelings."  That’s not true.  I know what my feelings are, or rather, aren’t.  I tried to explain that to you, but it was like you were trying to manipulate me into saying the things you wanted to hear.  You tried to make me doubt myself and my heart, and the more I’ve thought about that recently, the more it bothers me.

I’m not saying that you’re entirely to blame for this, either.  Don’t turn my words into something they’re not.  I can tell you what happened.  For a solid month, you drank and smoked pot and took hydros.  That’s all you did.  It was like every single one of your unattractive qualities (qualities that I had never seen in the months that we had dated, mind you) came out in one fell swoop and hit me in the gut.  You were still asleep when I left in the mornings, and by the time I got home from work, you had already been drinking all afternoon.  I can only remember one day that I got to come home to the good side of you, and I remember it specifically.  It was the night we went to Red Lobster.  You had been handing out resumes that day, and you had not had anything to drink.  I was so proud of you in that moment, but then on the way home from the restaurant, you revealed why you hadn’t drank.  Your Halo buddy had sent you some pot in the mail for Christmas.

When you drink like that, you become loud and inconsiderate (not just to me, but to everyone) and kind of obnoxious.  You go off on rants about the silliest things, and you get into these crazy, senseless debates with me.  You make me feel like you’re always trying to one up me, and I don’t really understand why.  You also turn into a hypochondriac when you drink.  Do you remember the night that you called your doctor’s office at midnight (2am their time) about the mole on your stomach?  You got so angry when the nurse explained that they only take emergencies after hours.  When I asked you if you knew what time it was there, you just looked at me like I was stupid.  "I don’t fucking care!  This is her fucking job!"  There was also a night, when I had already gone to bed, that you came in the bedroom about 1am, turned on the light, and talked for over an hour about how you think you’re an insomniac.  It was like you didn’t even care that I had to work the next morning even though I told you how tired I was.  I could smell the alcohol on your breath, so I just chalked it up to the drinking.  I know you don’t mean to do these things, and you probably don’t even realize that you get this way.

Like I said before, I’m not saying this is entirely your fault.  I know I should’ve talked to you about it sooner.  There were several reasons I didn’t, though.  First off, I didn’t tell you at the very beginning because I never expected it to go on for so long.  I kind of thought that you saw the first week of being in CO as a vacation.  I figured that you would get a job quickly and the drinking would slow down.  When that didn’t happen, I started to get concerned.  The night that you went off about AA was the majority of the reason that I didn’t bring it up then.  You got so frustrated and animated and angry talking about how ridiculous AA is that I, quite honestly, was afraid to bring it up.  I will never forget you telling me about the girl in the AA group who had the miscarriage.  You sounded so proud of yourself for that.  It really disturbed me.

I’m not trying to make excuses for not talking to you either.  I had valid reasons for not doing so, just as you gave me your explanations for drinking.  Both of us played a part in this, and we’re both equally to blame.  I realize now that I should’ve just grown some balls and said something, just as you now realize that you did get out of control.

In my mind, it’s like you have a split personality.  Seeing this darker side of you has made me look at you differently.  I can’t help that, Bobby.  It’s human nature.  And maybe there is a fear in the back of my mind that this side of you will come out again later down the road.  I know that you’ve made some very positive changes recently, but I can’t help but think that it’s only been a mere week and a half.  I have the utmost faith in you, but addictions (yes, I know you prefer the term ‘habits’) take much longer than that to remedy.

I care about you so much that I feel like for the last month my heart has been slowly ripped out of my chest.  I loved being in love with you, and I can’t even describe to you what it feels like to have that joy and fullness replaced by an empty void.  You mentioned the other day that you think I might be depressed.  Yeah, I am, and that’s why.  I honestly don’t know which is worse — being in your position or my own.  The last thing I would ever want to do to you is break your heart, but you’re not the only one who’s been hurting.

I love you and have loved you since the day you came into my life, Bobby, but I can’t give you back the heartfelt emotion that you give to me and that you deserve.

Bobby (thirty minutes later): I just replied to your message. When do you need me out?
Bobby: I am completely shattered. You have no idea. All i asked for was a chance.
Me: Can we talk about this when i get home? I don’t want anyone to see me sitting at my desk crying.
Bobby: Are you crying?
Me: Yeah.
Bobby: Well i’m sorry. I have died inside a little if that is any consolation.
Me: I have, too.
Bobby: I think that its good that we are

both the same. We can move passed it now and start talking things out, start anew. I will get my own place soon, and see.

Bobby’s email:
Well as I have said before, I dont ever want you to feel sad, ever.  And, I know that you want to label them as addictions, and that fine. Call them what you will. My point was in saying that its,"nothing that I have done wrong," is to say that I realized that I had some problem,more than one, and I am changing that for us and you. Because it has obviously changed a great deal about how you view me.
I didnt realize that expected me to get a job so quickly,one, and two, you have never said that you were proud of me for anything. How am I supposed to know what you are thinking if you dont express it?
I am to blame for alot of this,but, I cant get over the fact that this hiccup, if it were, is going to end this relationship without a shot. I have not drank,smoked pot, or abused the hydro’s unless needed for what? A week and a half?
And from what you said about the abuse, is that it was just embarrassing. All together. I dont want to do that to you either. I have more self respect than that. Which is why I am trying my best, really. I have been clear headed for that long now and I have no desire to do that anymore. So the lack of communication is what is killing this. I want you to be proud of me, I want to impress you, but the fact is, I dont think that I can. I have tried. I got this really good job, stopped drinking all together, started excercising,quit trying to compete with you, not smoking anymore, tyring to be open and honest with you, understand your feelings, and try to work through them.
What else is there?
Yeah, I am an asshole sometimes when I get tipsy, which is why I have stopped. Cant you see that?
I am sorry, a million times over for showing you the other side, which is not really apart of my life anymore. I tried to explain myself, but its no good.
I am sorry for slowly ripping your heart out. But I want to believe its still in there. You talk about how I have an addiction, well, fine. I have an addiction. If that is what you want to hear, and me admit it, it wont change the fact that I am trying Rachel. I am trying so hard.
To just go ahead and say that you dont want to see me in the light of change because you saw a different side of me in the past, is to say that you have no faith in me.
You do think that it will come out later. And that is why I think that I have to keep showing you that its not going to come back out. One day at a time. I have been hurting just as long as you have in this. Remember when you said that we were not being intimate as much because you felt as if you were not attractive because of the wieght gain? That was the start of it wasnt it?
Why did you lie to me about what you and Tammy were talking about?
It was such a small thing that lying about it was ridiculous. Truth. Where the hell has it gone?
The part about that is all I did, I knew that. That is why I cleaned, to give me something to do. I couldve gone out and gotten a bartending job or a serving job, but how would that have made me feel to not see you at all? Terrible. And I would have felt as if I was regressing as opposed to progressing.
That is why I said that things might be different between us when I started the job Monday. You would see me doing something instead of nothing all the time, you would have some down time to yourself when you got home from work. I know that you need that little bit of time. I just wasnt going to say anything about it until I saw the results.
And can I ask you something?
Were planning to break up with me before you went to Nashville to hang with the friends? So that you could party guilt free?
Just a question.
Rachel, that fullness can still be put back to order, only if you can even for a second, have faith in the fact that I am changed and changing everday for that. I didnt come all the way out here on a whim, to have you see that side of me, to have your joy pulled away from you. I just didnt. And I feel even more guilty than ever reading your message. All this would have been avoided. I dont want to be loved by anyone else, on that level anyways.
You are saying it as if you are just not capable of giving me the kind of love I deserve, when its not about what I do or dont deserve, its about what I chose, and who I chose. Not anything more than that.
I went off about AA,great. All I see that as is another one of the many rants that you have described me going off on. Just lost in the moment, for a minute or so. I am an animated person anyways.
I am just trying to rationalize the situation, logically.
I dont think that you realize that I am hurting alot more than you could imagine.
I will wait for a response.
I am sorry, for us.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.  Thank god today is Friday because I don’t know that I could bear to come to work tomorrow.  I’m obviously not accomplishing anything other than tears today.

Felina