Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion…

Those commercials creep me out a little — especially the one with the ten-story-tall Xena wannabe holding her rear end in the window.  But I digress.  I’m at home today with the flu, and I could probably use a little Pepto Bismol myself. 

I had a feeling that I was coming down with something Friday.  I sleepwalked pretty much all of Thursday night, so I was hoping the queasy feelings were just from lack of sleep.  The work gang wanted to take me out for my birthday, so I stalled them for a couple of hours after work to allow myself to catch an hour long catnap.  I felt a little better when I woke up, so I changed clothes and made my way down to 15C, a fantastic little martini and cigar bar located in a dark, downtown alley.  I was the first there, so I primed myself with a Tiramisu martini followed by an Envy, a vodka martini with Midori, peach schnapps, Frangelico, and fresh lime juice.  Mmm!

Once everyone arrived, we sipped drinks and mingled for a couple of hours.  Afterwards, we headed to Eden, a kick ass nightclub featuring a variety of atmospheres and music.  We danced, drank, danced, mingled, danced, flirted with the bathroom bartenders, and danced some more.  It wasn’t long before Bonnie, a coworker’s wife and one cool chick, and I found our way to the faux stripper pole mounted on a stage in the hip-hop dance room.  Kathy was busily snapping away with my camera, so for the first time in a long time, I’ll have some pictures to add a little later.  After I declared myself officially pooped from shakin’ my groove thang, we opted for the milder and slightly older crowd of Southside Johnny’s.  I didn’t last much longer, though.  Restlessness from the previous night caught up with me once again, and I found myself curled up in my comfy bed around 2:30am.

Saturday morning, I woke up with a horrendous headache, serious sinusitis, and a case of nausea.  The headache turned into a crippling migraine that lasted two days.  I spent all day Saturday and Sunday curled up on the couch praying that rest would help me feel a little better.  I didn’t eat all day Saturday, but I finally manged to cook some dinner last night.  I thought I’d be well enough to make it into work today, but as I tried to get ready this morning, I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes without getting sick.  I sent my supervisor an email letting her know that the last place I need to be right now is around other humans.  Now, I’m again curled up on the couch, but fortunately, the headache has passed.

In other news, recent events have led me to do a lot of soul searching.  For the last year and a half, I haven’t been honest with many of my closest friends about my feelings for a certain person — David.  Sometimes, I’m not even honest with myself.  Most of my friends passionately dislike him.  I understand why.  They love me, and they don’t want to see me hurt.  David’s leaving hurt me more than anyone had ever seen, so they naturally began to resent him for moving away, although it was with the best intentions.  The only person who seems to understand the situation is Alsie.  She always understands what’s really going on in my heart and mind.  I usually don’t even have to tell her… she already knows. 

After several long, tearful conversations with Alsie, I decided to write David a letter.  I didn’t write this letter to ask anything of him.  I didn’t write it with any expectations.  I wrote it because, for the last year, I’ve felt things that I haven’t been brave enough to tell him.  When he first told me that he was leaving for Pennsylvania, he said, "I don’t want to wake up one day when I’m forty years old and wish that I spent the last few months of my dad’s life with him… getting to know him.  I don’t want to wonder what it could’ve been like."  That’s how I feel now.  I don’t want to let this opportunity pass, and in ten years, wonder what might’ve been different if he just knew how I felt.

Dear David,

I know this might seem random and a little out of the blue, but I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. There are some things that I just need to say to you that I probably should have said a long time ago. I shouldn’t have waited a year and a half after you left.

When you left for Pennsylvania, I was crushed. I was heartbroken, and I felt like you had abandoned me. As I watched you drive away that day in August, I fell to the floor in tears. I must’ve lied there for an hour just thinking about the fact that I might never see you again – that I would probably never see you again. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt pain as strongly as I did that day, and I hope I never feel pain like that again.

I have to admit that I was being selfish, and I didn’t understand why you were choosing a man whom you knew very little about over me. I wanted to hate you for it, but I never really could. I can’t comprehend what that must’ve been like for you. My dad has always been a huge part of my life, and I can’t imagine him not being there. I didn’t believe it at the time, but I understand now that you really did leave to spend time with your father and get to know him during the last few months of his life. I now respect you for making such a difficult decision.

You and I never really fought – except over money. I was in terrible shape financially, and I wasn’t honest with you about that. I had been in situations in the past where I had been forced to take care of someone else. And though it’s no excuse, I let you take care of my responsibilities. I realize now that I took advantage of you, and I’m sorry. I know it’s not the reason you left, but I also know that it didn’t make it any harder for you to go.

You may not know it, but you made me a stronger person. You inspired me, David. I realized that I needed to do things on my own. I needed to make a name for myself. I finished school and built on my career. I’ve grown up a lot, and I can finally survive without anyone’s help. I don’t think that I would be where I am now if it weren’t for you, and I thank you for that.

I loved you with all my heart and soul. I still do. I don’t know that I’ll ever fall out of love with you. You’re the only person that’s made me know and understand pure happiness. Playing darts at the Red Door, riding your motorcycle, the days we spent at the lake, CourtTV marathons before going to bed, walking Mika around the park, attempting to put Elvis and Priscilla on a leash, capturing the moles, painting that damn house… I have so many memories that would seem meaningless to anyone else, but to me, they make me miss you that much more. I’ve kept little mementos that remind me of you. Silly things – your notes from the one acting class you attended, cards that you gave me for my birthday and Valentine’s Da

y, lists of materials from when we worked on the house. My heart was full when you were in my life. I’ve tried desperately to move on, but I still feel like a big piece of me is missing.

I sometimes turn on some music and just sit and think. I fantasize about what life could be like if we were still together. I imagine how much fun we could have in the city, exploring it and learning about it as a couple. I smile at the thought of the new friends we would make and the new traditions that we would begin. And then I realize that it will never happen, and I feel that same crushing feeling all over again. When I think about my old and new relationships, nobody ever compares to you. I’m terrified that I’ll never really be able to move on. I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to love somebody the way that I love you. No matter how much of themselves a person gives to me, I may never be able to fully give myself to them.

I don’t know how your life has progressed since you moved away. For all I know, you’re in a serious relationship or you’re already married. In my head, that hasn’t happened, but I do know that one day you’re going to call me and tell me that you’ve met the woman of your dreams. Please don’t. I don’t think my heart can take knowing that you’ve closed the door to your past and have really moved on. It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy. I just wish that I could’ve been the woman to make you happy. I still wish now that I could be that person.

Every time my phone rings and your name flashes on the display, I get butterflies. Just talking to you renews my spirit. I hope that this letter doesn’t make you think twice about calling me just to chat. I would welcome a response to this, but I don’t expect one. Please don’t feel the need to call or write, but please do if you’d like. I think I’ll feel better just knowing that you understand how I feel. This is just something that I needed to get off my chest…

With all my love,

Rachel

I sent David a text asking for his address.  Rather than texting back, he called.  I kind of figured he would do that.  He must’ve asked me fifty times what I was sending, and I finally admitted that it was a letter.  We laughed, he picked on me, but at least he knows to expect it.  It was handwritten, of course, and I sent it Friday.  He should be getting it any day — maybe even today.  I don’t know if I’ll hear from him or if he’ll even bring it up, but I do already feel better.  I feel better just having gotten these things off my chest.  It feels good to be honest about it.

Cheers,
Felina