My Thank You Speech

I would just like to thank all of my friends for giving me the best birthday I’ve ever had!  I have the most wonderful friends any person could ever hope for.  And for that, I have prepared a little speech.  Let me just get out my little piece of paper… I know I wrote all of this down… Hold on…

Okay, first off, I’d like to thank the city of Nashville for it’s cooperation with my rambunctious ass.  I must also not forget the individual clubs that participated and extended a warm, VIP welcome to me and my guests —  Silverado’s, although I was a little disappointed that there was no Friday Night Hardbodies contest; Big River, for providing a wonderful dinner and for keeping the press at bay; Red Iguana, because no night would be complete without a little on-stage crooning and debauchery with SpermMan; and of course, Graham Central Station, whose owner marched up to the bar and proudly proclaimed, "Put these bitches on a tab!"  I’m deeply indebted to you, Graham, for the shirtless, singing Don, the bassist with a cute tooshie, the barking bitch that I almost clobbered, and all of the on-the-house Pineapple Upsidedown Cakes, Orange Crushes, and Miller Lite I could drink.

I must also show my appreciation to the quaint, but fiesty, little town of Chattanooga.  Though the steps leading up to CBC’s are quite an obstacle after a long night of drinking, I very much enjoyed countless games of pool and video bowling.  I feel deeply honored that I was given the priviledge to lie on your floor with an injured neck just for the sake of finishing every last drop of every last shot I was served.  Thank you also to Buckwild, who without, I never would have had the pleasure of giving a lap dance to a chair.  Also, I appreciate each and every patron who was blinded by my flashing tiara but proceeded to order me a shot anyway.  I apologize to all of those whom I whacked with the matching, flashing wand for not buying me a drink.

To those individuals involved in making these three nights a success, how will I ever repay you?  Wendy, thank you for joining us, being a semi tour guide to the city, and for the round at Buckwild.  James, thank you for dinner, for the bottle of wine, for letting me give you a lap dance in the middle of Red Iguana, for driving my drunk ass around Nashville, for… Oh, this could go on forever.  I am looking so forward to spending my Hustler gift card!  Lisa, I’m amazed at the stress you put yourself through to get Tammy all the way to Chattanooga without me finding out.  Though I am shocked that neither of you let it slip, you couldn’t have planned a better surprise!  Thank you for the margaritas, the hotel, and for the crack of dawn breakfast at Shitty Cafe.  And last, but certainly not least, thank you, Tammy.  Not only did you drive three hours to surprise me in Chattanooga, you bought me a Bret Hart wrestling DVD.  It brings tears to my eyes.  Without you, I would not have been able to dance on the bar of WildCats or in the cage at Graham.  I would not have over a hundred pictures commemorating the unfolding of events.  I would not have tried desperately to turn on an unplugged hairdryer because I was cold, and I would not have failed miserably at inserting the stopper in our hotel room’s broken-ass jacuzzi tub.  Without you, I would not have ordered pizza at 2:30am and watched the musical ‘Earth Girls Are Easy’ on a fuzzy, cable TV.  Because of you, I had a happy ending to a two-week long journey of events. NCC, biatch!

Thank you,
Felina Naranja</p