Final Thoughts

For the family…
Just as swiftly as it began, my adventure in Baghdad ends.  Tomorrow, I’ll be on a bird headed for Kuwait.  I’ll have a few days to sightsee and wander aimlessly around Kuwait City before continuing on to Doha, Qatar, to catch my original commercial flight home.  In less than a week, I’ll be pulling up to the front gate of my apartment complex, peering through the back windows of a bright yellow taxi — just like the bright yellow taxi that dropped me at the Colorado Springs airport entrance nearly four months ago.  I had planned to wait until returning to the comforts of my own home before writing again, but at the urging of my mother, I’ve decided to write a quick entry about the many jumbled and sometimes fragmented thoughts that are scrolling through my head like a marquee banner.  Am I happy?  Am I sad?  I suppose I’m feeling a little of both.

I must admit… I need a day off!  Working twelve hours a day for four solid months definitely takes its toll.  Although I’ve dug myself deep into this rut of a routine, I’m physically exhausted.  I have a feeling that I’ll sleep for two straight days as soon as my head hits the pillow on my big, plush bed.  I also have a flurry of "Pamper Rachel" activites planned for the long weekend, including a salon visit complete with a manicure and pedicure; long, cool baths accompanied by a bottle of merlot; watching a marathon of all the TiVo’d Monday Night Raw episodes; and I might even squeeze in a martini at 15C on Saturday night.  Oh, and I can’t forget the drive to Denver I’ve planned to pick up the new Macbook Pro that I promised myself for extending.  Hell, I’ve been in Baghdad.  I think I deserve a new toy.

I’m very much looking forward to taking a real shower.  It might take three or four of those baths that I mentioned before I feel like I’ve scrubbed away every last grain of this Iraqi filth.  I’m sure that, out of habit, I’ll climb in the tub the first time wearing the hot pink flip-flops that have accompanied me into those plastic stalls so many mornings.  I also can’t wait to do my own laundry.  That’s not something I ever expected myself to say, but when your pants come back from KBR with dirt and gravel still in the cuffs, you begin to long for a washing machine and a bottle of Gain.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to cook as desperately as I do right now, either.  Of course, I’ll have to first restock pretty much my entire kitchen considering I threw just about everything out in preparation for being away for several months.

I’ve most of all missed being able to talk with friends and family whenever the urge struck.  Though I try to write detailed enough blogs to give you all a sense of what I’m feeling and experiencing, I’m sure it doesn’t compare to my typically animated storytelling.  I’ve enjoyed this feeling of disconnection, this vacation from reality, but I’m ready to share it all with you in person or even over the phone.  Elvis and Priscilla have also been on my mind continuously since the day I left.  I’ve received several updates from the pet sitter throughout my deployment, so I know they’re both doing perfectly well.  I can’t wait to make up for all the missed play time, but I have a feeling they’re going to ignore me for a few days as revenge.

I’m sure it’s hard for many of you to imagine why I’ve become emotional over returning to the states, but I’ve met several amazing people on this trip.  I’ve made some wonderful friends — friends that I wish could be a part of my life forever.  Unfortunately, we all have separate and very different lives back in the states.  When this journey ends, we’ll return to our homes, to our friends and loved ones, to our daily routines.  I’ll slowly sink back into reality, and when their troop’s deployment is finished and their time in Iraq has passed, they’ll do the same.  For the first time in my life, I’m learning how hard it is form a bond with someone, only to turn and walk away from it.  In two days, I’ll be getting on a plane knowing that, without a strange twist of fate, I’ll never see them again.  It’s probably the hardest and most depressing thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve learned more about myself on this trip than I ever could’ve imagined.  I’ve learned about my strengths and weaknesses, my own capabilites, and my capacity to feel.  I’ve learned that our existence doesn’t have to be as complicated as we tend to make it.  I wonder how different my life will seem once I get settled back into my normal daily activities.  I’ll definitely have a greater appreciation for conveniences that are often taken for granted.  And though I’ve never been one to shy away from an adventure or an opportunity to do something out of the norm, I’ll be even less likely to do so now.  I’ve set many new goals for myself upon my return.  I want to learn, I want to play, and I’ve never wanted to see the world more than I do right now.

And if all of those things never again involved a portajohn, I’d die a happy woman.

Cheers!
Felina

I’m having a difficult day.  I never expected to be leaving my heart behind in Iraq, and I’m having a hard time coping.  I’ll update you all with the good stuff when I get back home.