Cojones

I apparently don’t have as big of ones as I thought.

All week long, I pondered, contemplated what to do about my relationship situation.  After several long talks and sincere apologies from Bobby, I backed off of him.  I gave in to my own not-so-better judgment, and I decided to hold off on asking him to leave.  He wants to make a change, to prove that he is the man that I fell in love with so many months ago.  He hasn’t had a drop of alcohol since New Years, and he’s sent out even more resumes to local mortgage companies.  In fact, he has an interview sometime today with a Fortune 300 company near my own office.  He was so excited telling me about this prospect Friday afternoon.  How was I supposed to tell him that I secretly wished it wouldn’t work out?

I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I wanted to give him the chance to make things right.  I realized last night, though, that I can’t.  I just can’t.

This weekend was pleasant.  As I said before, I came home Friday evening to Bobby excitedly telling me about his upcoming interview.  It had snowed all day, so we stayed in and lounged by the warm fire.  We spent Saturday shopping.  I finally gave in to my growing need for gloves and earmuffs, and he bought some supplements to boost his New Years resolution to get in better shape.  Afterwards, we stopped by Whole Foods for ingredients to make homemade pizzas.  On a completely unrelated side note, I made a fantastic pizza with pesto, baby spinach, canadian bacon, sun dried tomatoes, fresh goat cheese and mozzarella.  My mouth is watering just thinking about it! 

But back to my story.  We spent Saturday night in, as well.  We watched a couple of DVDs that I had gotten from Netflix that day, and I hit the sack fairly early.  Yesterday, I metamorphosized into Suzy Homemaker and spent the majority of my day cleaning the apartment.  He keeps the place tidy during the week, but let’s face it.  No man’s house chores can compare to that of a woman’s.  Last night, we bought the WWE New Year’s Revolution PPV, and afterwards, I settled under the covers with a good book.  I must’ve fallen asleep reading, because I came to around 10:30pm, book still in hand and glasses still perched on my nose.  I was a bit out of it, so I undressed and turned off the light without even saying goodnight to Bobby.  Then it happened.

I’m not sure what time Bobby came to bed, but I awoke to the sensation of his fingers running lightly up my bare leg.  It felt good and disturbing at the same time.  I tried to pretend I was still asleep, but he didn’t give up.  Before long, it was obvious that I was awake, and he positioned his head between my legs.  It had been so long that I couldn’t help but have an orgasm, but I was noticeably less vocal than normal.  He, of course, wanted to continue, so I rather bluntly told him that I did not want to be on top as he pulled his body to mine.  The sex only continued for about ten minutes.  Because it had been over two weeks since our last encounter, I was able to use the excuse that I was getting sore to end it.  I promptly locked myself in the bathroom to clean up, and I crawled back into bed facing away from him.

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more uncomfortable in my life.  It was a horrible feeling, wanting him to just hurry up and get off of me.  The sex was so amazing and connecting such a short time ago.  Now, instead of being something that enjoy and look forward to, it’s something I dread.  I shared all of this with Alsie this morning.  Here’s her response:

I remember sex like you described all too well. And, it is one of the most horrible feelings in the world. Sex should be something that you look forward to, not something that you dread. If you had any doubts on your feelings, I hope that cleared things up for you. It’s gone, buddy. It’s time to let this relationship go. I know that you know this, but you don’t know how to end it. His getting a job, you shopping and hanging out, isn’t going to change what has happened between you. I know that you know this, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

Even though David is gone, and that part of your life is over, there is someone else out there, whom you will feel that way for again. I know that you don’t feel that way right now, but, eventually, you will. Bobby is NOT that person for you. You are such a wonderful person inside and out. Give yourself a chance to find the person who deserves all that you have to give.

She’s completely right.  It is gone.  It is time to let it go.  I’ve been thinking all morning about what I’m going to say to him when I get home this evening.  There’s no way he didn’t notice my reaction last night.  Hell, every time he’s tried to touch me this past week, I’ve found an excuse to pull away or even leave the room.  He can no longer pretend that nothing has happened between us, and I can no longer pretend that I feel the same way about him and our relationship.  I know what I want to say to him, but I don’t know how to say it all.

Felina