Because You Love Him

As another weekend winds down, I find myself reflecting on how odd it’s been.  The past has once again reared its ugly, yet often beautiful, head.

Bobby bought a camera and the full version of UNO for his 360.  Apparently, he thinks I have even a minute interest in video chatting with him.  Wrong.  If I see his face, I might just throw up a little in my mouth.  None the less, I attempted to join a game with him Thursday night.  However, there must be a firewall between us or a conflicting IP address, because Xbox Live refused to connect us.  He became increasingly and completely desperate.  "We have to connect.  We have to see each other!  My god, what could be wrong?!"  I eventually got so irritated that I just turned my system off and went to bed.  He sent me four text messages that night and two emails the next morning.  I think I might have to kill him.

After work Friday, I got an interesting phone call… from Jack.  He’s been sending me random text messages over the last several weeks just to say "hi to the most beautiful woman in Colorado."  The conversation was fairly short.  We talked about my trip to Iraq, his classwork and new job, and how we’ve each been spending our time.  He then mentioned either visiting me in Colorado when I return or meeting up when I vacation in Nashville in September.  Strange.  I stayed in that night playing Uno with Pablo, my new Xbox buddy.  I cooked shrimp scampi and linguini, drank myself silly with a great bottle of chardonnay, and played virtual cards until 2am.

I lounged around the house most of Saturday.  A new coworker looked me up on MySpace, and we messaged back and forth throughout the day.  He moved to the Springs for same reason as I, and he had yet to paint the town red.  I got dressed up and met him at 15C last night.  After a couple of beers and martinis, we headed to Rum Bay, a very large club quite similar to Graham.  After boogying around the dance floor, we enjoyed a stimulating evening of frightening karaoke.  Our final stop was Eden, where we finished off the night with Tuaca tea, a few shots straight, and a healthy dose of damn good techno.  We chowed down on a couple of Village Inn cheeseburgers, and I walked in the door just after 4am.

I had made plans to see 300 with Chris this afternoon, but I backed out after only getting a few hours of sleep last night.  Around 4pm and after an hour of contemplation, I sent David a text message.  "Leaving for Iraq soon.  Wanted to say hi before I go."  I haven’t talked to him in about a month.  I haven’t talked to him since I sent the infamous letter.  He called me within fifteen minutes.

I answered, and the first thing out of his mouth was, "What?  You’re going to Iraq?  Why?!"  I laughed and we talked about it for awhile.  He sounded… I don’t know.  Concerned?  He kept asking what would make me come to a decision like this and what I think it will be like.  He acted as if he really doesn’t want me to go.  I explained that my cell phone is inoperable overseas, hence the reason I contacted him.  After a few moments of awkward silence, he said it.

"I got your letter."

Now, I had no intention of bringing up that topic.  I only sent the text because had he decided to contact me sometime over the summer, he wouldn’t have been able to.  I almost immediately burst into tears.  He told me that he obviously read it and that he wasn’t sure what to say.

"I still love you, Rachel.  I hate the way things ended.  I’ve thought a lot about how it happened, and I have a lot of regrets.  There’s nothing we can do about that now, though.  Things are the way they are, I guess."

He asked me why I sent a letter.  He said that I could’ve told him all of those things over the phone.  I explained that I felt that by writing a letter, everything would be understood more clearly.  No interruptions.  No confusion.  I told him that he didn’t need to feel like he should explain himself.  I wasn’t ever expecting a direct response, but I never wanted him to discontinue any contact with me at all.  I’m at a point in my life where everything’s changing.  There have been several things that I’ve wanted, no needed, to say to several people, but I told him that the things I said to him were the most important.  I needed him to know how I feel.

I changed the subject and asked how things were going in his life and if he had any new, exciting news.  He didn’t.  He said that pretty much everything is the same.  He works, takes care of his house, and walks Mika every couple of days.  He then caught me off guard with the one question he’s never asked me.  "So… are you seeing anyone?"  I laughed and responded with a quick no.  I explained that I don’t really know anyone here and that my Xbox has seemingly become my new best friend.  That led into a conversation about wrestling, and he picked on me for my new found passion for sweaty, muscular men.

We talked a little more about Iraq, and I mentioned how much money I’ll be making.  I told him that I plan on buying a house when I return.  He asked with a suprised tone, "Where are you going to buy a house?"  The question just seemed a little odd.  The conversation then turned to concern once again.  "I guess this means I won’t get to talk to you again until the end of the summer.  That sucks.  I’ll call you as soon as you get back then."  He told me to take good care of myself.  He then nervously laughed as he made another weird comment.  "Don’t sleep with too many soldiers over there."

I, of course, immediately called Alsie.  She knows David and knows more about our relationship than I probably do.  She pointed out that he probably hasn’t called because there was a lot in my letter for him to take in.  I had forwarded a copy to her when I first sent it, and she told me that, even to her, it was extremely powerful.  She also reminded me that David is always very careful when choosing his words.  In our conversation, he used some pretty strong ones.  She doesn’t think that ‘love’ and ‘regret’ are words he would choose if he didn’t feel the same way.  There’s obviously some connection between us that he’s not completely ready to let go of.  Over the last year and a half, he’s been the one to contact me.  Besides, if he didn’t want to address the things I had to say, why did he even bring it up?

I’m happy and sad all at the same time.  I know that he still feels strongly about me, and that’s such a comforting feeling.  However, he’s all the way across the country.  Not to mention, I’m about to be out of the country for quite awhile.  I asked Alsie why I’m still so hung up on David after all this time.  She simply said, "Because you love him."

Cheers,
Felina</

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