A New Perspective, a New Beginning

When I first posted the entry about the letter I sent to David, I receive a note from an insightful reader.  Although I had written that I didn’t want to know if David had gotten married, this particular noter replied that it might actually be beneficial.  It might help me to move past my attachment.  He was right.

As I wrote in my last entry, I talked to David on Sunday.  I was only interested in saying hello and goodbye before leaving for Iraq.  David brought up the letter.  David threw around the words ‘love’ and ‘regret’.  David asked me if I was seeing anyone.  What impression would any of you have taken from that conversation?

I still felt a little strange Monday morning.  I hadn’t slept well because of desperate dreams and mixed emotions.  I was fairly busy most of the morning, which kept my mind off the previous day’s verbal encounter.  Just after 11am, MySpace IM popped up a notification that I had received a new message.  I clicked the IE7 tab to my homepage, and immediately opened my inbox.  I glanced at the picture without reading the accompanying name and subject.  I did a double take.  I instantly recognized the distant, black and white outline of David wearing a white linen shirt that I bought him for his birthday.  He was kissing a blonde girl on the cheek.

"Hi Rachel,
My name is Jessica – I’m DJ’s wife. He showed me the letter you recently sent to him and I wanted to let you know that he is happily married and we just had a baby. With that being said, please do not contact him again. I understand you are still in love with him, however, he is no longer interested in you.

Thanks,

Jess"

I think I was in shock upon first reading the message.  I skimmed over it several more times before finally clicking on the picture to open her page.  The site was new.  She had just created the homepage, and she only had one friend.  She had not even taken the time to enter any of her basic details.  Her response to the question of whether or not she had children was still set to the default "I don’t want kids."

After stewing for a few minutes in my own confusion, I finally braved the set of photos.  Two were from their wedding day, an obviously small and private ceremony.  One was of David, alone, sitting on a rock at the edge of a stream.  The remainder of pictures were of their new baby, David holding the child, and another older kid from, I can only assume, one of her previous relationships.  I was instantly devasted.  I sent Alsie a brief text, and gathered my things from my desk.  I sat in my car, head resting on my steering wheel and tears streaming down my face, as I called Alsie to explain what had happened.  She just listened.  I think she was in as much shock as I was.  Once I had calmed down considerably, I drove home to eat lunch and mull over my next move.

Just before leaving my apartment and heading back to work.  I sent David a text.  "I really didn’t want to know that you were married, but I wish I had known to expect an angry email from your wife.  Sorry if I caused any problems."  Upon returning to the office, I began working on my response to Jessica.  Hell, my concentration was already shot for the rest of the day.

"Jessica,

On one hand, I feel like I should apologize because I know how I would feel if I were you. On the other hand, I don’t because I honestly didn’t know he had gotten married. David and I have kept in contact since things ended between us, and neither of us have asked about each other’s personal relationships. I, personally, just didn’t want to know.

Please understand that I never meant to offend or hurt anyone or cause any problems. As I explained to David, there were just some things that I needed to get off my chest. Last summer I found out I had cancer, and you kind of look at things with a new perspective when you finally understand what it is to be mortal. There were a lot of things that I needed to say to a lot of people, and he was one of them.

I never expected a response, and I never contacted him after sending it. I never intended to. The only reason I talked to him yesterday was because I’ve recently volunteered to work in Iraq. I’m leaving soon, and I’d like to talk to everyone before I leave. Let’s face it, living and working in the middle of a war zone is a big deal. There’s always a chance that I might not come home, and I’d like to say hello and goodbye to the important people in my life before leaving.

Again, I never meant to intrude on your family. I only felt he deserved to know the difference he’s made in my life.

Sincerely,
R"

I tried to be as tactful as possible in my reply.  At first, I almost felt sorry for her, but I soon began piecing together the situation.  Yes, in my letter, I told David that I didn’t want to know if he had gotten married.  I explained that I didn’t think my heart could take knowing that he’s truly moved on.  However, why had he not told me before he learned of my true feelings? 

You can tell she’s already pregnant in their wedding photos.  She’s probably two or three months along.  The baby is a newborn, so I presume they’ve been married for about six or seven months.  Six months ago was when David started contacting me consistently.  Six months ago was when our conversations became pleasant and almost giddy.  They were no longer intertwined with undertones of pain and anger.  We laughed and talked about the possibility of David visiting me in Colorado and of all of the good things evolving in our lives.  Why was his ‘happy’ marriage and the fact that he had a baby on the way not one of those things?

He didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to know.  I understand this because I never told him about Bobby.  I didn’t want him to know that I was seriously involved with someone because my soul still had a shred of hope that we could one day work things out.  I never really got over him, and he’s apparently never truly let go of me, either.

I don’t believe for a minute that David actually showed that letter to his wife.  I remember the little box of ‘treasures’ that David kept hidden under his bed — love letters from former flames, pictures from past relationships.  He was honest with me about his things.  He even showed me some of the items contained within.  I wonder if he’s been as honest with Jessica.  No, I have a feeling that she found that note.  I have a feeling that she immediately began searching for me.  How she knew who I was, I have no idea.  I do know that David doesn’t have any photos of us.  I have them all.  I can only assume that she followed a link on my page to my online photo gallery, which of course includes all of my pictures of David and me together.

I know that David desperately wanted a child.  That was one of the biggest conflicts in our relationship.  I don’t want children.  I’ve even gone so far as to sp

eak with my doctor about having my tubes tied.  I’m not sure if he persuaded her to have another baby or if it was purely an accident (which I believe that, in this day and age, there is no excuse for an accidental pregnancy), but I’m fairly certain that it’s the reason they are now married.

David never responded to the text I sent Monday afternoon.  I don’t believe that he knew his wife had found out about me.  He’s probably angry and little embarrassed.  Let’s face it.  Many women would’ve done the same thing in her situation.  I wouldn’t have.  In my opinion, it was completely inappropriate for her to contact me at all.  The fact that she did it behind his back is even more appalling.  It was David’s responsibility to come clean to me about his relationship.  If I were his wife, I would be angry with him.  I wouldn’t seek out the girl who I knew was unaware of the marriage.  I would hand him the phone, and say, "You need to call her now and set the record straight."  I also don’t believe that I have heard from him for the last time.  I fully expect him to call me sometime after I return from Iraq.  I also fully expect for him to try to cry on my shoulder.  I don’t think I will be able to be sympathetic.

By the way, I want to thank you all for sweet, consoling notes.  I can always count on you guys to not only help me see things in a different point of view, but to just feel downright better.

Enough about David.  What else is going in life right now?  I may not have mentioned this before, but last year, there was a wedding in my family.  My mom’s sister married my dad’s brother, so even though my parents are divorced, both sides of my family are still connected.  Now, if that’s not weird enough, I found out Tuesday that there will soon be another cross-family marriage.  My great aunt on my mom’s side is marrying… my grandfather.  In other words, my aunt will also be my grandmother, and my mom’s ex-father-in-law is about to become her uncle.  Yes, I’m officially from Arkansas.

Plans for Iraq are moving right along.  I’m leaving in two and half weeks, and it’s really starting to sink in.  I’ve spent many a recent lunch break with my coworker, Chris (who’s leaving the same day for Afghanistan), shopping for supplies — boots, backpacks, that sort of thing.  We’ve both planned to ship our luggage overseas rather than to try and check it at the airport.  It also sounds like I’ll be able to have a trailer to myself while I’m there.  It looks like I’ll be travelling the week before I leave, as well.  A field client at Fort Bragg in North Carolina needs some custom work done.  It’s identical to the work I’ll be doing in Iraq, so they decided to send me for the learning experience.

In other news, I still need to get laid.  No.  You don’t understand.  I really need to get laid.

Cheers,
Felina