The quest for bliss

  "Sooner or later, we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these."
Susan B. Anthony

I had a quiet day of solitude today. I cleaned, organised my cupboards and ironed my clothes. I wrote in my new hard copy diary. It sounds dull but I love time on my own, time when I am not doing things for other people.

My 19 year old sister called me from "Field Day" an outdoor festival in the Domain park. She was barely intelligible. I could hear her say, I called you because Crazy Penis are playing that song you like that has the Willy Wonka sample in it. I wanted to tell you I love you and…." then I couldn’t make out what she was saying. For someone that studies drama, she mumbles a lot of the phone, even when she is straight.

I said, "Thanks for thinking of me, I’ll call you later". She called back 10 minutes later, further away from the speakers, so that the background noise had subsided but she was still unintelligible so I just cooed and said thank you, presuming she was telling me how much she loved me again.

Then she said, "I will let you go because I am trashed and I know I am not making any sense but I am thinking of you". Then she said, "I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather be here with but I know you don’t like crowds" and then she hung up on me. I am worried about her, I have told her about my own experiences as a deterrent. I have told her that I felt that taking different drugs over the years had directly contributed or amplified my experience of depression and anxiety. I told her that now I would be taking this medication for the rest of my life. 

She is going to have to learn this lesson for herself. The frightening thing is that she is far more of a risk taker than I have ever been. I hope she doesn’t try anything really heavy duty. 

I lay down on my bed in the afternoon and slept for a couple of hours. I woke up with the intention of having a walk. I tried to make a mix of songs on my i-pod that would have a good consistent baseline to walk to. That wasn’t easy but I managed to put something together.  

I went for a walk at 7:10pm for an hour. I watched the black rain clouds move across the sky. I wondered whether I would get wet. I walked around my suburb which is very hilly. I noticed as I walked downhill that I was misjudging my steps. It was as if I had a pair of glasses on and that I hadn’t adjusted to the new focus. I realised that I prefer walking around the streets, rather than around the bay. I see less people walking around the back streets. The walk around the bay has many people running, walking and cycling and the pretentious people who promenade.

Just as I came in the door, the heavens broke open and we had much needed rain. I had a shower and thought about how little I seemed to have achieved today. I seem to have pottered for the whole day.

My mind then had a memory of being stoned and standing under a shower and remembered what an intense feeling all of those drops of water hitting my body gave me. I tried to recreate that feeling, just focussing on that memory. I hate being alone and tormented by longing.

It is my birthday this month, on the 11th. 

"Real birthdays are not annual affairs. Real birthdays are the days when we have a new birth." 
Ralph Parlette

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‘Trebuchet MS’; mso-bidi-font-family: ‘Courier New’; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold”>I am hungry for change this year. I am very disciplined in every aspect of my life these days. I want it to be balanced by some considered risk and spontaneity this year. Dare I say, living my life a little more outside of work and my room.

“Pleasure is the object, duty and the goal of all rational creatures.”
Voltaire

Yesterday, I took my little brother to the local skate park and I laid down on a towel in the sun, reading my book, listening to DJ Shadow on my i-pod. As I started to get sleepy, I put the book down and felt the wind on me and watched it brush through the fig and eucalypt tree leaves. I was mentally closing the chapter of the past three years with thoughts about the upcoming year. I am determined to have those promising thoughts realised into a reality of pleasure this year.

“Pleasure is nature’s test, her sign of approval. When man is happy, he is in harmony with himself and his environment.”
Oscar Wilde