Self surrender

Self-respect is the root of discipline. The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to one’s self.             Abraham Joshua Heschel

At the beginning of last year I gave up drinking, drugs, and smoking. It has been an isolating time as I don’t know many people who don’t do at least one of these things. I had to stop these things as they were making me feel so bad about myself. I also gave up chocolate which was my one terrible food vice.

Recently, I started on a new medication for my depression which has required me to give up certain foods I love (avocado, matured cheese, cured meat, raisins, smoked salmon, soy sauce, miso, tofu,  vegemite, pickled fish, sour cream) and caffeine including tea, coffee and colas. The alternative was another medication that would make me put on a significant amount of weight.

I have found it hard remembering what I can’t eat, feeling embarrassed when explaining why I can’t eat these things and avoiding  saying ‘why’ I am on medication and that it will probably be for the rest of my life. However, I have been most resentful initially about not being able to have a coffee or tea or cola when I need a burst.

The wierd thing is, I have been doing this for a couple of weeks now and I have noticed the strangest phenomenon. My apetite has radically reduced and I am losing the urge to have those things.

The secret of discipline is motivation. When a man is sufficiently motivated, discipline will take care of itself.             Sir Alexander Paterson

My motivation is to find out what it feels like not to be depressed and anxious. Yyesterday I had my first sense of that. I was driving to my mum’s to pick her up and noticed that I was deadly calm. I can’t ever remember feeling that way. I felt so calm that I felt contentment.

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.                                   Julie Andrews

Yesterday I did all of my washing, ironing, cleaning and spent the afternoon shopping  buying some new clothes. It was good to come home and get all of the ironing done, knowing that when I wake up in the morning it is ready to go.

I have also been ploughing through my reading for university, which makes me feel on top of things there.

At work I have put in some extremely  late nights this week, which paid off with an off-site planning day I arranged where I asked the 14 people that report to me all to prepare some content to present and deliver on the day. It went really well and they gave me great feedback. I even went out for a soft drink with them after work, it has been some time since I have had the desire to go out on a Friday night.

All in all, I am feeling positive about this next phase of my life.

Nothing of importance is ever achieved without discipline. I feel myself sometimes not wholly in sympathy with some modern educational theorists, because I think that they underestimate the part that discipline plays. But the discipline you have in your life should be one determined by your own desires and your own needs, not put upon you by society or authority.                                                                                                                                                              Bertrand Russell