Reflection on my autoethnography

"An identity is questioned only when it is menaced, as when the mighty begin to fall, or when the wretched begin to rise, or when the stranger enters the gates, never, thereafter, to be a stranger. Identity would seem to be the garment with which one covers the nakedness of the self: in which case, it is best that the garment be loose, a little like the robes of the desert, through which one’s nakedness can always be felt, and, sometimes, discerned. This trust in one’s nakedness is all that gives one the power to change one’s robes."

James Baldwin

I have a group I work with at University for my Identity, Culture and Communication class. The four of us sat in a small room together the Tuesday before last and shared how and why we became who we are. I learnt more about these three guys than what I had learnt about them in nearly a year in just one night. I had to write a reflection on my experience of presenting my auto-ethnography to them. I had found the preparation confronting. Piecing together the objects I was going to bring in to ‘show and tell’ with made me feel quite emotional. I was hoping I could keep it together as I unfolded my story.

Reflection on describing yourself

The sources of information I used to describe myself included photos, a print-out of my on-line journal, photos, ancestral objects, artworks and photos I had produced, and a portion of objects that I have collected since I was a child (boxes containing personal treasures and antique coloured glass bottles).

 

The features which constituted my description of myself included stories and objects that placed me in particular period of time, my birth date (1971) and place of birth (Sydney), my heritage and mixed race (secret black and confused white Australian), my working class, housing commission roots and socialist family beliefs (the underdog), my physicality (a constant catalyst for comparison for western women), career (independence) and travel journeys (discovery, mysticism, letting go).  

 

The description of myself also included the roles I have played such as being female (not the weaker sex), output from ‘broken’ family (a cause for feelings of shame and loss), family super glue (filling a void), shy outsider (never feeling a sense of belonging and the cause for avoidant and socially phobic behaviours), ambitious achiever (approval seeker), single childless woman (despite recent demographics showing this is on the rise, feelings of being somehow defective), traveler and volunteer (seeker of meaning). 

 

I found out after my grandmother died that she was part indigenous Australian. This has left me with a feeling that a facet of my identity is left unexplained. I could not fathom why her family did not disclose their part aboriginality. Reading (McMaster & Austin, 2005) and (Howey, 2005) helped me gain perspective on why defining race, particularly ‘aboriginality’ in my grandparents era within Australia (1910 to present) was difficult for them to take ownership of or feel proud of. It would seem that to claim aboriginality was let go of control over their personal destiny (either living confined in a mission or be part of the Stolen Generations). Inversely, to conceal aboriginality allowed my grandmother to obtain an education, a career marked by achievement and some sense of belonging, albeit in a clearly demarcated ‘white’ Australia.

 

Reflection on analysing yourself

In my description of myself I observed a number of patterns throughout time. The patterns included moving around frequently throughout my life. Whenever I was making a psychological ‘new start’ I also physically moved house.

 

Another pattern that became apparent was that I have certain routines, ways of doing things, almost rituals that I have not been consciously aware of previously. This included being a life long collector of certain objects. I had no idea of the spiritual importance of some of these collections, many related to ancestral histories, such as indigenous artifacts, antique glass bottles and boxes, snuff boxes and jewellery all which had their roots in my maternal and paternal grandparent’s histories.

 

The other key pattern related to my deep appreciation of aesthetics including art, nature, architecture, music, dancing, cinema, theatre and literature. Throughout my life I have written a journal, had an intense dream life, read eye witness (as opposed to state sanctioned) accounts of history, written journals and made art. These things have been my main “go to” subjects in social situations. “Go to” referring to the subject you revert to, when there are those awkward social silences.

 

In my description of myself, I observed a number of changes throughout time. The catalyst of these changes included my father leaving when I was a child, the accidental death of my younger brother 13 years ago, the beginnings and endings of relationships, career versus travel. The external changes triggered internal changes that have left a powerful mark on me including distrust, lack of meaning, depression and rarely insight when I begin to understand that life is an intricate mosaic of multiplicities.

 

My suggested explanations for some of these observations include holding onto the ancestral artifacts as a way of retaining some sense of history and family, when my actual experience of family had been forever disrupted. Similarly, routines or patterns of behaviour have provided some sort of anchor of security for me. My appreciation of aesthetics, travel, volunteering and writing are part of making meaning and seeking respite from anxiety. The external changes that have happened have served to reinforce a sense of loss, being an outsider and not belonging.

 

In reading about identity and identify formation within a post modern context (Austin 2005) there is a particular quote (Rutherford, 1990, p.24) that I think perfectly articulates my experiences:

 

‘Not belonging’, a sense of unreality, isolation and being fundamentally, ‘out of touch’ with the world becomes endemic in such a culture. The rent in our relations to the exterior world is matched by a disruption in our relations to ourselves.

 

Reflection on representing yourself

I chose a number of artifacts from my personal history to be used as a representation of myself. As part of reviewing what was involved in representing me, I will discuss a group of the items I used and why I chose these as representations of myself.

 

I unfolded a collection of photos of me from birth to present in age sequential order. I chose these photos for a number of reasons. Firstly, it allowed me to unfold the story of how I became who I am today in a linear time order which would be easier for my audience to digest as it is a construct that is most familiar to them. Secondly, it showed how my physical appearance has changed dramatically from year to year, that twice in my life I have gone from having very long hair to having a shaved head, that I have changed my hair colour many times throughout a year, that I have gone from looking different to conservative blending in during different moments in my life. I did not comment on these changes, I hoped that the visual differences spoke for themselves. These visual differences for me are all wrapped up in gender and sexuality. These include deliberately playing the game of being a woman, or turning the idea of traditional woman on its head.

 

Conclusions on the overall experience of the auto-ethnography

This has been by far the most insightful and thought provoking activity I have experienced either in a day to day life, therapeutic or study sense. Leading up to the process, involved a great deal of preparation (what should be included, what should be omitted), consideration of the parameters (this is not therapy) and a great deal of reflection of how to bring the disparate pieces together in the presentation.

 

During the presentation, I felt a sense of communion and trust with my group participants. The rest of my group were male and I was surprised how open, transparent and vulnerable they allowed themselves to be in the process. I also found that it stirred some intense emotions in me, when someone asked the question, ‘how did your brother die?’ I felt quite choked up, tried not to cry and had to take a few moments to compose myself before answering.

 

After the process, I found myself sharing the experience with people in the other parts of my life. I told them, if everyone could take the time to listen to other people stories, how and why they became to be who and what they are, perhaps there would be a greater sense of community and a lot less fear and violence.

 

I have not stopped thinking about the experience since as I think it is a powerful tool for creating a sense of belonging despite our differences. I learnt that being in a group I was safe to self-disclose with created an effective learning process and environment. At the end of our class everyone was absolutely changed by the experience and had a greater understanding of themselves and their peers. 

This written submission is unbearably cold. The experience was warm. It created meaning for me. It created a sense of belonging and of communion with three very different guys. We were all blown away by the experience. I have not stopped thinking about it.

"It is always the same: once you are liberated, you are forced to ask who you are".

Jean Baudrillard

 I don’t know if it was because I was coming off my lexapro but I cried every evening when I returned home from work and thought about the implications of your identity being held hostage by your past, your parents past and your grandparents past. 

It reminds me of one of my favourite movies, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and the concept of erasing all of the bad memories. The big learning of that film was that you couldn’t weed out the ‘bad’ memories, when memory is lost, you lose the good with the bad.

This also reminds of a great entry Cat wrote recently about the nature of loss. That even as a child she realised that she was not fully living in the moment. That even her most precious memories of her best childhood experiences were tinged with sadness as her enjoyment was overshadowed by the realisation that the experience would soon come to an end. The impending loss surpassed the full appreciation of that moment.

On a positive note, my writing bug is finally back after three years absence.