Reading my dreams?

I recently won an award at work and was given a gift voucher of $99 to spend on a website that lets you choose an experience to have. There wasn’t much available in this category, (the lowest price range to choose from), however, I found one thing that I haven’t ever tried before, which was a reading by a spiritualist. I don’t know what I was expecting, she asked me to bring along a piece of jewellery.

I drove to the Northern Beaches of Sydney to see her. I sat down at her dining room table and she told me that the bulk of the reading would be symbols that she saw that she would be translating. However, at times things would have a literal translation for me. She took hold of my piece of jewellery, a charm bracelet that had been put together by my grandmother and promised to me as a child once she had died. She closed her eyes and started a form of breathing that I have used in yoga for meditation.

She started off my describing my character and traits. She said that I was the kind of person that did not judge people or value people because of their status or circumstances. She said that I understood how important each interaction was and that I could move easily from speaking to people from all sorts of socio-economic backgrounds, from those living in abject poverty through to those living as though they were royalty and leave a positive mark based on a fleeting interaction.

This is a value instilled into me by my parents and grandparents. Everyone should be treated with dignity, regardless of their station in life. My grandparents and parents have always taught me not to judge based on people’s circumstances.  

She used the word missionary but clarified this and said not in a religious sense but you will be working with a particular indigenous group at some stage in life and that you will bring great change to that community. She said, your words have the power to change minds, the minds of people in power, to help them change their direction and bring money and help to the people you are fighting for.

I started to get a little more engaged by this stage. I have been volunteering for over six months now and have had many thoughts about how I could help out on a larger scale than just the one child I take care of on the weekends. Several thoughts have crossed my mind, I have been a supporter of World Vision in the past and actually had a day dream only recently that I would like to go either overseas, work with refugees in mandatory detention in Australia or into the Australian indigenous community to do some work. It had not become a fully formed idea, or one that I had given a great deal of consideration to, so I was surprised when she raised this.

"We cannot adopt the way of living that was satisfactory a hundred years ago. The world in which we live has changed, and we must change with it."
Felix Adler

Then she moved to the topic of purpose in life. She said that I have known since I was a small child that I would have a place on the global ‘stage’, communicating to people either through writing or theatrical pursuits. She wanted to differentiate the two. She said that she felt that I again, since a child had been a keen observer, sensitive to the undertones and dynamics within people and that through sharing bravely honest, vulnerable and heartfelt experience that I could bring change to other people’s lives. That I could touch a chord within them, like three guitars, when one is guitar is strummed; the vibration resonated within the stings on the other two guitars causing them to vibrate.

I was now starting to feel a little embarrassed, like a secret ambition had been read out of aloud from my diary. I have always wanted to see if I could write something outside of my diaries. I have recently even opened a bank account called "writing" to save some money in case I ever decided to take a break from my job to try and write something. My life lately has been consumed by long hours at work. I have been asking myself why I am the only person who feels it necessary to work at the pace I do…

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
M Scott Peck

The theatrical aspect related to the power of my voice, that I could project it with depth and authority and that people were compelled to engage and listen and that she thought that I would one day be known for writing plays and this work would see me travel the world. Again, she<span lang="EN-AU" style="FONT-SIZE: 9pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-ansi-language:

EN-AU”> emphasised that the plays would have an element of changing people’s perspectives on the world and how to live.

I have only this year started to go to see live theatre (instead of just to the cinema). I have been so engulfed by those experiences that I have taken out a subscription to the Sydney Theatre Company and have booked into see other plays in other theatres in Sydney. I wondered perhaps if this was something that might be in the future for me. After working many days this week from 7am to 12pm, it made me wonder if I have been missing the opportunity to spend any time just in solitude to let these ideas form more fully.  

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

She also described me as quietly ambitious, methodically working towards my goals, that I gave everything I did my absolute best. She said that she saw my life so far as walking up a spiral staircase, feeling sometimes that I was going in circles but always ascending one step at a time, persevering until I reached the top. Then she said, "You are the person that remains calm in calamity." When most people would give up you become more determined to push through your fears, anxieties and despair to achieve what needs to be done.

"The most successful people are those who are good at plan B."
James Yorke 

My doctor has discussed my obsessive, perfectionist qualities as draining me but I have never agreed. For me they are tied up in a dogged determination to succeed. For me, ‘success is the best revenge’ has been a long term motto. If your grand plan doesn’t turn out the way you want, you have to find another way…

Just as I am digesting this, she sings, "These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what I’ll do, and one of these days these boots are going to walk right out on you". I laugh knowing exactly what that means, she says why is that song relevant to you? I explain to her that whenever someone in my life has made feel like they have walked all over me that I have actually sang that song to myself like a battle cry, to move on and not look back. That in my darkest, most bitter hours that somehow I have found some drive to succeed despite what has happened and that I use that energy to push on.

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
Andy Warhol

She mentioned a name, ‘"Sally’, you don’t know her yet, she will be someone you meet overseas and she will share your fetish for shoes. She is going to be a female friend that will bring great fun to your life".

I have an embarrassing shoe collection, not quite of Imelda Marcos proportions but more shoes than I could possibly ever hope to wear.

Then she said, “I don’t know why but I keep seeing an image of you trying on bras as well, do you also like bra shopping, no you look uncomfortable". I explains to her that I hadn’t changed my bra size since I was 18 years old and that it occurred to me recently that I should go for a fitting as bras were always so uncomfortable for me and that I was falling out of the cups. I was bowled away to find out that I had been wearing a bra that was two cup sizes too small and that I have been thinking about how comfortable I am now that I have made that change. She laughed and so did I. She said, "Well that is one of those literal images that I get sometimes."

Then she asked me did I have any questions for her. I asked her if there was anyone in a spiritual sense guiding me (thinking very much of my late brother Marty). She held the bracelet again and started the breathing and stayed that way for some time. I was thinking to myself, this could bring her credibility undone. She said, "I am getting a M. Mary, Marie. No, it could be a boy". I said, "Marty?” She said yes and started to bang imaginary drum sticks.

I felt chills. 

She asked, "I don’t know why I am seeing him beating a drum?" I start to feel a lump in my throat and tell her that he used to play the drums. She said, "He has so much he wants me to tell you". He is constantly trying to let you know that he is with you. In fact, he is acting almost like a clown, any body else would be embarrassed but he is jumping up and down, waving his hands like a semaphore, singing out loud to you to try and make you listen to him".

Then, "It is almost like a SOS, what he is trying to tell yo

u is extremely important, he wants you to let go of what you are doing now and get started with what you are supposed to be doing". He is going to be travelling with you and although he chose for a number of reasons to leave the earth when he did, he wishes he could be in that indigenous community with you, playing the drums and rejoicing with you".

"He is saying that you have to have time to think about things other than the work you are doing now. He says that when you used to walk, he could hear you talking to him and he would be giving you signs that he was with you but you are so preoccupied with work and everything in your life, you are not opening up to listen to him"

Then she said, "Part of the reason that he left when he did was that he would have much more ability and power to work miracles through you from where he is now". She asked, "Do you talk to him?" I said, "Sometimes. I think of him every day and I try and be as a good a person as he was, he inspired me all the time, he was a very loving person".

OK, so I was crying by now. I have had a few experiences or strange occurrences that made me feel like he was sending me a message.

As I was thinking this, she said, "When you are doing this work in the community you will be up against extreme odds, however, there will be situations where you manage to cut through the red tape somehow. When that happens, I want you to say, [she looks up towards to the sky] thanks Marty."

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
Charles Dubois

I asked her if I was ever going to have children, she said you have three children around you now and a boy. I don’t see you adopting a child from another country unless you have a strong spiritual connection with that community. In fact, I think you feel too strongly about ethnicity and background being an important part of a person’s identity and that you would not want to take a child away from that unless you feel you could still provide that in some way. At this stage of your life, I don’t see it; I think you have more work to do first. I see you like a candle, lighting up the world first. 

The three children are probably my three sisters and the boy is Lenny. I try hard not to show my sadness at the thought of never having my own children.

She said later that I would marry a man much taller than me, that he would have the same values and beliefs about what his life’s work should be and that it would be an equal partnership. She said that she saw a very small ceremony outdoors and that we would write the words together. She thought that he may be connected with music, or the arts. She said, "you have known this person for a very long time" he also starts with M, it could be Mark."

I wonder if this is M., my best friend, that I have not heard from since I confessed my love to several months ago after he returned from doing some community development work in Asia.  After sleeping together once and him and I having a wonderful talk and laugh together about how could we wait 10 years for this to happen, only for him to change his mind radically within a week to tell me that he could return those feelings as he was still broken up about his last girlfriend.

She then replayed part of the conversation I had had with him on that first night, "What? You mean you fancied me? Yes, well I have always loved you as well". She said," this person is not a childhood friend but a long standing friend. However, the connection at the moment is very FEINT."

I think, “Please don’t plant a seed in my mind that this is the person I am supposed to marry”. He has hurt my feelings so badly after it took ten years to get up the courage to tell him how I feel about him and that he was not only unable to reciprocate those feelings but has obviously been feeling so guilt ridden that he hasn’t even called me since. For goodness sake, I had already sung "These boots were made for walking" about him, which in my mind made him no longer exist in my world.

Then she told me that she saw me pregnant and uncomfortable, that my tummy and boobs become huge for my small body but that I don’t complain as I am just so thankful to be having a baby.  

This is the one thing in life I really want. I feel such sorrow at the thought that I may never have a child and have recently

decided to see if I can adopt. I wonder if she is just picking up on some of my dreams and wishes rather than the reality. I thank her and say goodbye saying that I can either dismiss it as mumbo jumbo, or to see that it might plant an unconscious  seed for me to adhere to watering or that it might have some truth to it. I don’t know what to make of it. I just know that I am trying desperately to find meaning in this life. I know that anything that happens will be because I have concentrated my efforts to get there despite what life throws at you some time.

"For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out."
James Baldwin