High adrenalin

"In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge."
– Colette

It seems that insomnia has taken its grip on me again. The last time this happened, I would spend all night writing in my diary and then drag myself through the day. It lead to me also having some magical thoughts about leaving my life as it was behind and chasing a dream, to travel around the world. Magical thoughts that I bought to life through action. I quit my job just after being offered a promotion, I left my partner,  I gave away all of my possessions and took a plane to the other side of the globe to work my way around the world and have an adventure.  

I wonder if this insomnia is a result of the medication I am taking, or perhaps the past month’s need to push sleep aside to get through my study and work. I think it may be something else.

It feels like a combination of two things. It feels like it is the peak of a manic high, where I have pushed myself mercilessly to be the best I can be, milking every moment of its possibility. I also wonder if it is a natural response to filling every waking moment during the day with activity and this is the counterbalance, an enforced time to think.

And, think I have. During this night time  thinking, I keep being hit on the head by the fact that I am not following my purpose. I have a great job (by conventional standards), I am paid well and  I have a great team. However, I am being called to do something else. When I am awake at night, now not having any study to distract me, it becomes crystal clear that I have to take some steps towards a new direction. If I could apply the same level of discipline and adrenalin that I have for my current work and study, there may be a chance that I could make a transition. I just need to remember not to be so "all or nothing" in my approach. I don’t have to throw everything in my life away now to try something new.

Do you think it is possible to feel grief for letting go of depression? 

I almost feel like I am the owner of a guilty secret when people ask me how I am and I can for the first time in a long time say, "pretty damned good". People actually are saying, "you sound as though you are surprised when you say that". If only they knew just how badly I have been feeling for the past 5 years.

I still feel lonely but I am feeling less defective about it.

"Writing only leads to more writing."
– Colette