Carefree at Luna Park

Last year on the night of our work Christmas party, I could not disguise my depression from my team. I had not had a drink for almost a year and I was finding any social interaction unbearable.

 

I spent the whole day dreading the evening and planning ways to get out of going. I had a couple of women that were in my team say, Blue, as the manager you should at least make an appearance if nothing else. Stay for one hour, see how it goes and leave then if you want to.

I made the effort to go but I could not even raise a fake smile. I felt so alienated from everyone else who was looking forward to letting their hair down after a long and tiring year.

Everyone around me was having a great time. I hate small talk. I kept thinking about how much of a freak and how alone I felt.

 

Jump forward to this year. I had a sense of anticipation. I was encouraging other people to come along. I didn’t worry about what I was wearing or what I looked like. I didn’t buy new clothes, or new shoes, or have my hair done, or even put on any makeup. I didn’t think about what people would think of me. I didn’t feel sad about the fact that I might spend the rest of my life alone.

 

Instead, I felt EXCITEMENT. We arrived at Luna Park. It is located on Sydney Harbour on the opposite side of the Harbour where I live and work, just under the Harbour Bridge.

The picture above is taken from the Ferris Wheel looking towards the central business district.

The entrance to the park.

This is the promenade were we congregated between rides and dancing in the big top.

The park by day…

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and by night…

 

I told my friends earlier in the week that I might stay until 7pm.  

 

I had such a good time. I went on all of the rides and made my friends laugh as me and G, one of the gay boys I work with went around on a ride making funny faces, screaming, doing crazy arm movements and snogging as we whizzed past the crowd below.  When I jumped off the ride my friends told me that they have never laughed so hard in all of their lives, that faces were in pain from smiling so hard! They were laughing with me and I didn’t feel an ounce of paranoia. Oh no, I felt alive!

 

When the big top opened, we walked inside to music, lights, videos projected on the walls, pool tables upstairs, chillout lounges around the dance floor, market stalls with food and drink and an empty dance floor.

 

I can hardly believe it but in a room of well over a thousand people, and me completely sober, I managed convince my friends to be the first on the dance floor. Within 15 minutes the whole lower level of the venue was dancing.

 

The only reason I left when I did (11pm) was that I had encouraged two people in my team to come along that live on the outskirts of Sydney and I had promised to drive them back into the city to the train station.

 

I know that the last few entries have been bleak. This week is the 13th anniversary of my brother’s death. I needed to purge some history to make way for a new chapter.

 

I think it’s about time… that I made up for lost time.