Approval seeker

Those whose approval you seek most give you the least.
Rozanne Weissman

I have had my last session with my psychiatrist last week. We agreed that I am doing well on my new medication and that considering I have had a persistent period without depression that I can be left to my own devices.

It was interesting to hear him ask about my father and whether I was still giving him money. I told him quite dispassionately that I had been practising not offering money every time he pulled my heart strings with his victim plight. He asked, Have you seen him since you stopped giving him money. I told him, no.

My shrink’s body language said it all, he crossed his arms and started to call my dad a pathetic loser, he was almost spitting as he spoke, being extremely sarcastic. 

I made the observation that he appeared to me more bitter and frustrated than what I was. He said, well I am only expressing what you are feeling. 

Then I did see my father, it was strained. I told him that I had been extremely busy the past month, and he told me he was glad I wasn’t angry with him or anything. The next day, he called me and asked me for money.

There just isn’t any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.
Joel Rosenberg

I haven’t heard from my best friend of 10 years M, that I had confessed my love for. We had slept together and then he told me a week later that he couldn’t continue "sleeping" with me as I "had hopes attached to it". He also told me he was still in love with his ex-gf. His birthday came and went in October and I debated whether or not to text him, as we both do every year. I didn’t. I accepted that he does not feel for me what I thought he did. I don’t want to see him again. Not because I am embarrassed. I would really like someone to make the effort me for me but I can’t make someone love me.

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.
Raymond Hull

Again last week, my manager cautioned me from studying full-time again next year. I felt resentment and he could tell. He said, I’ll stop sounding like your father now. The irony is that my father wouldn’t bother even asking how my study was going.

I went home last night and feel asleep at 6pm, as I hadn’t slept at all the night before trying to finish my assignment. In my two hour cat nap before getting up to write again I had the most revealing dream.

I dreamt that I was determined to take on an additional degree to study on top of my current, work, study, volunteering, family and friend commitments. It was as though I wanted to squeeze every moment of every day with another disciplined activity. I went to the university and none of the courses I wanted was left, so I took on some mickey mouse course about Angels. At the end of the dream, I went to sign my name on a petition on a wall, instead, I took a large marker and autographed my name in huge lettering across the wall.

I think I should think about why I am pushing myself so much, why am I determined to get some sort of approval or recognition from anywhere. I think perhaps I am so sick of being on my own and feeling like a pariah for being mid thirties and single that I am justifying my existence in other ways. I try and take care and be gentle with myself but I think deep down I still feel alienated from most people.  

What you risk reveals what you value.
Jeanette Winterson

I fantasised today about doing things outside of my normal character traits, like not meeting deadlines, turning up late, not cleaning my house, expressing my anger and annoyance (as I am feeling it), saying no when people ask for money. 

I think that if I played around with this people would be pretty surprised and I think I would probably have some pretty bad reactions. Now that I think about it, I guess I fear that the few people I have left in my life would reject me. The sad thing is, I am really not a bad person.