36 Candles

"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair.  Snapshots don’t show the million decisions that led to that moment".

Richard Bach

It was my birthday last week. Traditionally I haven’t enjoyed birthdays because they have usually been forgotten by the people who are supposed to care about me. This has usually led me to holding a big pity party for myself.

This birthday was different. I had very low expectations. At midnight I received a few notes and e-mails from favourites wishing me a happy birthday. I went to work and had family, friends and colleagues call me to sing happy birthday to me over the phone. My team of twenty people all sang me happy birthday (that was embarrassing) and they had bought me a beautiful present; someone had remembered that I had said once that I liked these things.

I met an ex-colleague meet me for lemonade and he showered me with complements. He then offered me a job to head up an area (that I currently work in) within his organisation. It is a global company in a different industry to what I currently work. He said I could start whenever I was ready “throughout the year”, for whatever money I wanted “name your price”; to do what I thought needed to be done “full licence”.  

I was extremely flattered but I knew that it would be another deviation from my true purpose. I said I would consider it.

I saw my sisters on the weekend and they also bought me some music that I had mentioned I liked. Wow, that sounds like I had been dropping hints for gifts but I hadn’t I promise!

“But an accurate definition of the self is impossible. You are more than you realize, more than you can define. And the more time you spend trying to nail down the definition, the less time you spend living right now. … Your past is not your identity… You, living now, is your identity.”

George Lawrence-Ell

I am finding that I am learning so much from reading other people’s diaries. I am learning about them and I am learning about me. One of things that I am learning is that I am spending way too much time here and not enough time living.

This year, I have:

• been obsessive about writing
• secured a subscription to a theatre company,
• rejoined my old Ashtanga yoga class twice a week,
• begun to integrate walking into my daily routine,
• full time study at uni restarting by the end of February,
• <span lang="EN-AU" style="FONT

-FAMILY: "Trebuchet MS"”>plans to spend less than 13 hours at work at day,  

“The greatest thing is, at any moment, to be willing to give up who we are in order to become all that we can be.”

Max De Pree

It is the last thing on this list that doesn’t fill me with joy because that means letting go of whom I am at the moment. I am going to be optimistic about it and take it small steps at a time.

I have one diarist favourite in particular who is working out whether she can give up who she is now, to be all that she can be. I hope we can share a few wins on this front together this year. Perhaps then we won’t feel so blue, or so broken.