Feeling That Sinking Feeling

On Christmas, my family went over to my grandparents house to have lunch and open presents from that side of the family. My great grandpa,  my grandmas dad, was there as well. He is 92 years old. He doesn’t understand a lot and has a hard time hearing, so for most of the time he sat quietly. My dad started asking him questions about his time in world war II and his face lit up as he talked about being on the first major warship sunk by a kamikaze attack, and how he floated in the ocean holding on to a piece of debris for 4 hours. He talked about it so vividly. But quickly the conversation ended and he had a blank look on his face again and was quiet. In all the times I have gotten to spend time with him since he moved back here from living in California, that is the most he has said.

My grandma takes care of him and realistically he doesn’t have too much time left. I can’t even imagine how hard that is. To have literally known someone your whole life, and see them deteriorate. I can’t imagine my father, who though he makes me mad and at times isn’t the nicest person, is strong and has always provided for me, sitting there complacently, with only a little life left in him. Me having to take care of him, knowing he isn’t the same person I knew for so long. I am 15, my parents have a lot of control over me. Although I clash with their authority, I know they ultimately are only trying to help me succeed. I know they love me. I know I can be a brat sometimes. But as much as I want to be out on my own and independent, I don’t know what I would do without their guidance. I don’t know what I would do without their protection.

In 3 ish years I will be moving out and nothing excites or scares me more. I know that I will be more distant with my parents. I know that will be hard for them. And it will be hard for me. They have always been there for me in the end. Each step I take in growing up and finding myself, I also take a step closer to losing them. I am crying while typing this and I don’t even know why. I am 15, I shouldn’t be thinking about this. But I’ve never been that kid who couldn’t wait to grow up. I’ve always been the exact opposite. Growing up terrifies me. While all of my friends are getting their licenses, I can’t even imagine getting behind the wheel. While so many people can’t wait to get out of high school and be on their own, I just want to go back to preschool where everything was laid out for me. I know I need to get over this. Being stuck in the future isn’t good, but neither is being lost in the past. 

I realize this is one big jumble of thoughts, but this is what I think about at 1 in the morning, and I needed to get it all out. Goodnight.