Insufficient…

I don’t even know where to start on today’s journal entry. I am all over the place emotionally…. and am suffering from low self-worth at the moment, coupled with mommy issues…oh joy.

I guess the obvious place to start is what set off my emotions today. I have been suffering with chronic and constant pain for several years now. It has changed me into a person I don’t like so much. It started just before I got pregnant with my daughter and has gradually gotten worse. Most of the time the pain isn’t excruciating… but it is constant. I don’t get much relief with out pain medication… which causes all kinds of issues (because of the media hype about pain meds).  I have had two lumbar spine surgeries and have also been told that I need a disc replacement in my neck.

The biggest problem with all of this is… I don’t move like I am in pain. I am a teacher and have learned to hide things from students and co-workers… I always have thought of teaching and acting to be very similar…. anyway… I digress. I had a problem with my original surgeon and was told to find another doctor…

Which brings me to today…

I had an appointment with a very experienced spine surgeon. We went through the symptoms and through exam of the strength in my upper body. We also looked at the MRI disc… He said that I may or may not benefit from surgery… but he was not going to be the one to do it because the outcome was unpredictable. He offered to send me to one of two colleagues of his. I got the feeling that because of his high position, he was choosing not to do the surgery because it might not solve any of my problems and would tarnish his record if it weren’t successful. My husband felt the same way…

I passed along all of the information to my mother and step father, brother, my estranged father, and a couple of friends. I heard from my father immediately and my friends. Nothing from my mother. Finally after several hours, I finally got a call from my step dad. He defended the doctor saying that he wasn’t going to do it because he took the hypocratic oath and didn’t want to harm me. I asked him what I was supposed to do now? He suggested to get another opinion but more than anything I have to give up the things I like to do and accept that my body isn’t what it used to be… he might as well have said to lay down and die. I don’t do well sitting still. I like to be active, I like to build things, I like to ride horses… Anyhow… then I told my step dad, I can’t win… I can’t have surgery to ease my pain and I can’t be on pain meds because my mom hates me. He explained that that was not the case… and so I then said, well what is it… because she hates me. then it went completely off the topic of surgery… I said my whole life I have heard that my mom wants her babies to live near her… and then once I get the chance- boom… I’m not allowed because of the political climate and where they live… It wouldn’t be safe for us… better to stay where we are. ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH

That’s the long and short of it. I’m more emotional over the fact that I want to be close to my mom so my daughter can get to know her grandmother… (we live about 1000 miles apart)… and she doesn’t want me around. There is a lot more to this story, I’ll share at some point in the near future… for now, It’s time to get some sleep.