Changes

It’s funny, when I don’t have much bad going on I don’t feel as inclined to write.

I guess things started to change after Christmas…

Sometime in the beginning of the school year I had been introduced to Buddhism. I began chanting and going to a few meetings, but I didn’t quite feel it was right. It helped but something was odd about it. I wasn’t comfortable with the whole Karma thing… cause honestly I am not a bad person and anything I have done in my life has not warranted the bad that I have gone through. Next, I wasn’t comfortable with the routine, that somehow if I didn’t chant twice a day for an hour each time, I would not reap the benefits of the chant. Finally, I was uncomfortable with people forcing it on me… that if I didn’t I wouldn’t change my "karma".

On one particular Sunday, I was miserable and depressed and really couldn’t see the forest for the trees and the whole chanting thing wasn’t doing it’s magic either. I was ready to give up… (work and relationships had really taken their toll on me.) Anyway, I plopped myself in front of the T.V. and began to feel sorry for myself. As I turned it on, I saw some guy talking almost an infomercial… but I couln’t change the channel… he was talking about picking something off the floor… if he tried it became harder, but if he just did it without thinking, no effort was made and it was easy. I got sucked in. The infomercial was all about Taoism. I only caught the tail end of it, but it reminded me that I once had great interest in it.

I found myself wandering to the bookshelf and selecting my worn out copy of The Tao of Pooh. I read the entire book in one sitting. I felt free, lifted, peaceful. I decided at that moment I needed to change. I began researching this guy, Wayne Dyer. Found a book titled Change your thoughts, change your life living wisdom of the Tao. I ordered a copy and waited patiently for it to arrive. In the meantime, I found my other book on the Tao and began to read the 81 verses. It was that weekend that things began to change for me.

I didn’t see it immediately, but it felt right. I told the co-worker that had introduced me to buddhism, that I was going down another path. One that was more suited to me. She was upset, but I made a decision… I was taking charge of my life. It felt good. I began reading the book a chapter at a time as things applied to my life (funny how the chapters coincided with what I was feeling). I didn’t get too far in before the next brick was thrown into my glass wall.

I recieved notification that I was going to be observed again. The day before winter break. I became stressed. I tried to look at it as them giving me time to get my lesson together. Then the visions started. Not actual visions, but little nightmares that wouldn’t go away. The scene that kept playing was me in meeting with the principal and him saying that it was again an unsatisfactory. The more I tried to rid myself the stronger they came. I got angry but couldn’t let it out. I began looking at other options, school, jobs, etc. I found a way out. I began focusing on trying to find a way to make a career change and go back to school. I knew I had to plan, but the first was finding a direction.

This led itself to a discussion and then semi- argument with the parents. They wouldn’t hear me and thought I was just running away, not thinking things through. I lost it… spilled every thought about the past year out, even the ones about wanting to check myself into the hospital because I didn’t know what else to do. I hung up the phone and began to cry uncontrollably, loudly, desperately. I kept saying that I can’t take this anymore, I don’t have it in me, I can’t. I curled up with my dog, she let me hold on to her, unconditionally loving me. I struggled for a few more days until the break was over and it was time to face the demon. 

I presented my lesson plan in our pre observation conference. He was pleased… two more days before the actual observation. I stopped caring, decided that I needed to be myself and whatever was going to happen was beyond my control. It was over that Friday, that struggle, the stress…. gone. I was finally free. I had become a satisfactory teacher in his eyes. 

That night I had a dream I was walking along and the wind was at my back. It was so strong it carried me to where my past. When it left, it took everything i kept inside with it. Like water draining out of a tub. I felt it as if it were actually happening. As I headed back the other direction the wind carried me foward with less vengence. I woke feeling refreshed. I could only sleep that next week except for work. I was exhausted and drained.

Since then, I’ve been able to let things have less effect on me. People have left my life since then… but it has been a good thing. I have found the courage to stand up for myself, let myself get mad at people for treating me less than I deserve, enjoying the moment, moving like water through life. 

It is amazing… the feeling of happiness and peace. This is how I always want to feel. Enjoying the mysteries of life!!!