i’m not okay

life completely sucks.

completely.

i’ve done nothing really the last few days.

getting dressed yesterday was an accomplishment.

i haven’t bothered today.

i haven’t eaten well at all.

i don’t feel like it.

i feel sick.

i eat only when hunger pains get to me.

i forget most of the time.

i only sleep when i become so exhausted that i feel sick.

and even then, its hard.

and even then, i don’t sleep for long.

i cry a lot.

mostly i sit around kinda numb until something out of the blue makes me cry.

i’ve been reading my diary.

writing new entries.

trying not to think.

always have the tv on to keep myself from thinking.

i don’t enjoy anything i watch.

i don’t want to work. i took three days off already. don’t want to face the world tomorrow.

i haven’t touched my guitar.

i haven’t listened to music.

everything is painful.

i go from kind of hating him to hating myself for loving him still.

i go from hoping in the end it’ll work out like it does on tv and in books

to knowing he doesn’t want a happy ending.

i’m driving myself insane,

and i have no one.

its like in jodi picoult’s "the pact", when they break up and the girl goes to the guy and says something like

"i just broke up with my boyfriend. i need my best friend."

because he was her everything as well.

or its like "the way we were", with the same scenerio..

LIFE FUCKING SUCKS.

i’m NOT okay.