everytime you say goodbye, i cry a little

the deepest reasons why i loved him

i loved him because before he came along, i hated my life. i tried to just get through it but i was angry all the time. i was snappy and sarcastic. i just wanted to be left alone all the time. i didn’t want to have to go through the hassle of going places and pretending like i wanted to be there.

before he came, i was just this lonely lost angry cynical mess. i’d seen relationships and didn’t want to have to experience the pain and drama of it all. everyone around me seemed to be failing one way or another so i decided i’d just avoid it.

it was easy too. because i really didn’t want to be with anyone. no one caught my eye. i wasn’t drawn to anyone. i had crushes but they were harmless and fun.  they couldn’t hurt me. they couldn’t touch me. they couldn’t know me.

i felt like a disease. but i couldn’t cure myself or escape myself. i was stuck with who i was. work, sleep, school, guitar, write…pretty much my whole life. i could never sleep at night and i’d stay up for hours writing sad, hateful, lonely "poems" or whatever you’d want to call them. i’d cry almost every night. i felt like i would never get anything right. like my whole life was just a mess that i could never clean up. i felt so low and so invisible.

just my whole life, i’ve been always known by my family. they’d know me by association to my sister, mom or dad. i was always the one in the picture with the heavy eyes. everyone else looked brighter, happier, wiser…everything i wasn’t.

noone noticed me for me.

even in my own family, i just feel like a failure. i can’t even have a normal conversation with my mother. since i was young, she always interupts what i’m saying or just don’t listen. i don’t think she realizes she does it, but its like i’m a child and she just doesn’t listen to me..

but the thing is, i don’t blame anyone as much as i blame myself. i always would pin all my problems on myself and say, "its all your fault you know. you’re sick. you’re wrong. everything bad is your own fault."

stuff like that. stuff worse than that.

so yeah, i couldn’t really sleep before i met him. my whole life, i had trouble sleeping. as a child i’d stay awake for hours every night afraid of monsters, real and fake. i knew there were bad people out there and i thought they were going to get me.

i had nightmares a lot. i remember most of them. people were always trying to hurt me. they were trying to get to me and i could feel how much they wanted to hurt me.,i felt the terror..

i’ve just been misunderstood my whole life. i really don’t think the people around me know much about me at all.. i’ve hidden myself away my whole life.

i was scared to death of my dad growing up. i seriously didn’t know what he was or wasn’t capable of when he was drunk..which was every day. i was scared of him. i pretended that i didn’t know what was going on, and when i finally admitted it to myself, that he was an alcoholic and it really bothered me, i realized how shitty everything was.

i think that was the year i was "sick"..i did feel sick but i think it was me making myself sick..or making myself think i felt sick, you know? i mean, i didn’t know it then, but i was seriously depressed…but i didn’t even know..its weird how you can be depressed and not know, but thats the kind of world i made for myself.

i think it was only a year after i read "the catcher in the rye"…i was so depressed that i didn’t even realize that HE was depressed…i thought the way he thought was normal..it was only later i realized that he was depressed and so was i..

did i tell anyone? no..did i do anything different? no..

i did the same old things i’d always done…alone. like always.

writing was the only way that i expressed my pain and loneliness..and playing my guitar..

then everything went off the tracks. i lost control in a way i’d been hoping i’d never know.

i met a boy…and it seemed like fate kept bringing us together..i’d never believed in fate but it seemed like something magical was happening…finally we hung out and i had the best time i’d ever had in my life..i didn’t have to pretend i was happy.

i WAS happy.. soo happy. it was like my whole shitty life had been leading up to that..

then the next day, my whole life changed forever.. it was the prefect day.. seriously.. it was the best day of my life…its funny but it was..i wore my sunflower dress as a shirt with the black jeans that the ass went out of a little while ago..he helped my parents tear up carpet and we ate goulash for supper..we walked to his house and he tried to shield me from the rain with his trenchcoat..it didn’t work but it was an excuse to get close to him..we went back to my house where he showed me some wrestling moves..

somehow, we ended up cuddling..and i had never felt so happy and thankful to be alive..never..i could’ve stayed in his arms forever..we played mario party on nintendo 64 and then ended up cuddling again..

finally, he pretty much asked me to be his..and i didn’t think about it.. i just said yes..

and he kissed me..my first kiss..it was perfect..i can even see it in my head..its like i went outside my body and could see us..and we were perfect together..it was such a gentle, sweet, perfect moment..

we cuddled and hugged in the porch before he left..

i hardly slept that night but i’ve never felt so awake..

michael saw me for me…for some reason he wanted me..i never really understood that..i never felt like i deserved it…

for once i had something to lose..i had something to live for..i had something to make me happy..i had something i wanted.. i had someone who listened…i had someone to hold me..i had someone i could count on..i had someone who saw something worthwhile in me..i had someone i didn’t have to pretend i was happy around..i didn’t have to pretend anything with him..i could just be real with him..

i couldn’t pretend around him…he saw tthrough it as no one else did..

he gave me a purpose..i was proud to be with him..i was proud of him..he was my everything..my companion…he made the loneliness disappear..i could finally sleep well..for once in my life..he used to talk to me while i was asleep, saying sweet things, loving things..i’d try to wake up but i’d be between sleep and being awake. but i’d hear it all..

i thought after he said "i’m not going anywhere and if i do, you’re coming with me"- that we’d be okay..i always thought we’d be okay..

i thought we’d make it to our second apartment…our fifth year…i even saw children eventually, when we were ready..i wanted my life to be with him.,..like a crazy adventure..

i feel like i could go on and on and never stop..i’m not even just saying that..i could write for hours…days..about everything…i really could..but it’ll have to be another time..

all i know is…i don’ t have control of anything anymore..

he’s not here right now..i don’t know where he is.. i just want to know where he is..well, i just want to know he’s not with someone else..he spent pretty much all the last week with me..we’ve been having a lot of sex..but he hasn’t even CALLED me today..it makes me feel

really down and really paranoid.

i kind of hate the way life is right now. kind of meaning completely.

everytime you say goodbye i die a little