dear michael

everything is horrible in my life. i wanted this year to be good. so far it just gets worse and worse. its feels like i have something heavy weighing me down and each day i feel like its harder to move. its getting hard to pretend like everything is ok. its not ok. when was it ok?

maybe back when you said "i’m gay except for one girl"….definitely when you would wake me up in the middle of the night and say things to me like, "you’re my everything"…back when i was the only girl in your life..back when it was you and me against the world.

back when you said you never felt like you were home unless you were with me..back when you held my hand because you were proud of me and proud to be with me…back when you held my hand tightly when things were tough..

back when you saved me from all the bad stuff.. when you said lets get our own place and live off bagels if we have to..

back to when i went to chapters and my phone didn’t ring and you freaked out because you were so worried when i didn’t answer, and it ended with me onyour lap hugging you and you saying, "i’d go crazy without you"

back to all those tiimes when you were sick or felt shitty and i’d take care of you..and you’d look at me and say you couldn’t wait to marry me someday..

back to when you said "i love you. i’m not going anywhere and if i do, you’re coming with me"…and i cried because i was so happy. i cried because i beleived you..

back to when it was just me and you. just me and you. when it was just me and you, i was content just watching raw with you if it meant i could cuddle into you..thats my favorite thing..just cuddling into you..especially when you kiss my forehead.

fuck. its like i’m being pulled apart…almost every day i feel hopeless or invisible or completely alone.

its funny..its like you have all these girls who you’re all "i’m here for you if you need me" but the one girl who needs you, its like i’m not there..its like i don’t matter.. i don’t come first ever really..because you never tell me anything..i always listen to you but you never tell me anything..you just give it to these girls..

if one of the girls you talk to has a problem, they’re the most important thing to you in that moment..you act like you know everything but you cause more problems than you solve…you don’t even see it..you don’t see anything..

i can’t share you with every girl in newfoundland…and some girls in other places..i just don’t trust you anymore..and i used to trust you more than anyone..we can’t go anywhere without you texting someone on that stupid phone..

its like, we had this pure thing and i gave you everything i could…i was never not there for you if you needed or wanted me..i remember all the times you’d make plans with someone and the other person wouldn’t show up or they’d back out on you..but i never did that…i was someone you could count on…you have all these "friends"…how reliable are they?

you were like the only person in  the world i liked to be around…we didn’t have to do anything or go anywhere…that wasn’t what we were about..remember, you said we were "hardcore"? i remember everything.

before you, i was the quintessential definition of "loner"..i didn’t want to let anyone in and i definitely didn’t want a relationship.. i didnt think i would ever like someone so much that they’d become my world…i was your world too..i guess you didn;t like it when you thought you figured me out…you never did you know..i’m much more than i show you..you see my "happy side" for the most part.. you’re the only one who brings out the happy side..

the real me is angry.. really fucking angry..at everything and everyone..sometimes i just want to go to cape spear and scream and scream and scream..

the real me wants to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything.. i just want to disappear..the real me gets angry when someone disrupts me..

the real me is never happy..the real me hates everything about the world and hates getting up everyday..

but when you came along, i changed.. i didn;t have to pretend to be happy..i just was..i felt warm and protected…i felt like i had a purpose..i looked forward to being with you.. its like i came alive everytime i’d see you..

you just gave me too much to lose…so i’d worry.. i was so scared..i’ve been terrified since i met you..you were the only thing i’ve ever wanted …and i knew i could lose you..something in my head kept saying he’ll leave you…why would he want you?

its just..everythings become this nightmare…i’ll be so angry at you but then i’ll see you and it kind of disappears…not completely..but enough to get me through..but it builds and builds and sometimes its like a weight inside me..

the voice thats been in my head all along now screams at me.. it screams bad things..sad things..mean things.. things like he doesn;t need you, he’d be fine without you, he wouldn’t even miss you, he just wants to fuck other girls..he’ll never marry you..you’ll never get to have another apartment with him..just nonstop endless bad thoughts..

we don;t say the words anymore..not because i dont feel them..but because i don’t want to say them and have you not say them back..or for you to say them without meaning..so everytime you say goodbye, my heart kind of breaks a little bit more..

the other morning when we were going to sleep, you said "love you"..i don’t know how awake or asleep you were because i was turned away…i just pretended i was asleep, either way..it made my heart skip a beat though..

everything is fucked up…i’m really fucking depressed..seriously, it feels like i’m drowning…its like i’m suffocating and i’m all alone and no one cares and i’m scared so scared.nothing has been going right..and when things aren’t good with you, everything else seems unbearable..

work sucks..i hate going in there..i dread it lately.. its like everyone knows somethings going on with me and i just want to be invisible..and i can’t even fully concentrate on my work because i have so much going on in my mind..and all i want to do is just make it through the shift without falling apart..

almost all the casuals are going back to school and they were the only thing that made the place bearable and now our breaks have been cut in half..so the time goes by even slower..it feels like i’m going insane..the schedules have sucked since summer ended and its always drama there one way or the other..i just hate everything going on there lately..

i’ve been in pain since the accident, which makes everything harder…

and then i just hate the way my parents get on lately…last night they fought over the stupidest thing while i was in the room with them  and i was like "whatever, i’m going in my room" and because i had nothing to do in my room, i could hear them..and i just cried and cried..its all fucking stupid i know..its all fucking stupid..

its just, nothing is going right…not one aspect of my life is easy…at all…and i just feel completely alone..

i always thought we were kindred spirits..now i know one thing for sure-we’ve both had our hearts completely ri

pped apart..

 

( i need a break from this letter…i feel like i have so much to say)