01/30/2010

i want to kill all the feelings.

i want people to worry about me.

because all i do is worry.

i need someone to care that i am a complete mess.

i can’t TALK about it.

i can’t speak.

i just feel sick all the time.

i really want to fix things this year.

take my sad song and make it better.

so far, i was a passenger in a car accident, i have a shitty ‘relationship’ with someone who takes me for granted  and i’ve begun to hate my job.

i have finally caved and broke down to my doctor about being depressed.

i’m on zoloft. i’m afraid of being someone who needs a pill every day to get through life..

its terribly conflicting. its like i’m afraid of losing myself, but who was i to begin with? i’m afraid of NOT being able to cry. i’m afraid the medicine will make me someone i’m not and the person i am will still be inside..and i don’t know.

i only just started it.

my life had just gotten to a point where i cried almost every day..sometimes on the way to work..and i was just always down and hurting..

there is no such thing as a happy pill.

i just want to drive to the ocean and figure out who i want to be,…