“I’ll make myself feel all this, if it’s all that I’ve got left of you”

The reasons why, don’t change the nature of the crime.
Don’t serve your lies with sugar coating.
The truth is better though its bitter.
Why do you get to keep it all?
She can’t play the role as well,
The part was meant for me.
I think the truth is going to hurt you both, more then all this is hurting me.
Live your life in ignorant bliss.
The end is always near.
The reasons why, won’t get you by.
Your heart really only beats for me, waiting patiently. – Me 8 years ago…

If you’re wondering, I stopped waiting at all, let alone patiently. It seems silly now that I was patiently waiting for more mistreatment. It’s so depressing to look back and see how many times I have let someone who contributed nothing to a relationship have my all. I have painstakingly and slowlyyyyyy set boundaries. I still have to check myself often to not let it get away from me. It’s frustrating when I can see ALL the red flags and toxicity, but I still question myself. Am I overreacting? Is that flag really red, it looks kind of pink. Am I making assumptions about someone based on another persons actions? It isn’t just men… I frequently have had to ask myself if my mother is overstepping. We haven’t spoken in years and in some ways it’s a relief. With her being my mother, I do have an instinct that tells me I want her to love me and be part of my life but that part is by far outweighed by the sense of peace her absence presents. That’s the way it’s always been. As a child the times that she was silent were easier than when she blew threw town recklessly making promises she would never keep. If I did a rough estimate of how often she came through with ANYTHING she promised me in my life, she came through about 10% of the time and that’s generous.

When I had children, I swore to myself that I would never make promises that I couldn’t or didn’t intend to keep. Multiple times my mom promised my daughter things that she didn’t come through on. Each time I apologized profusely to her and then I made whatever it was happen. Sometimes this came at great cost to me but it was worth it. I am trying to raise children who don’t have to spend years recovering from their childhood when they are adults. I know that I made mistakes but even I have to admit that I’ve always done what I thought was best and gave everything my best effort. My daughter is 16 now… The same age I was when I had her. She is so much more confident and sure of herself than I was at her age. It feels like validation. She’s so intuitive and notices more than I give her credit for sometimes. Just today when I picked her up from school, we were talking about kids coming to our house to spend the night. She said “sometimes my friends say they can’t come over unless their parents meet you. I always tell them they can’t come then because you’re not very social and don’t like meeting new people.” I laughed at that… It’s sort of true but I think she took it a little far, surely at some point I would have said okay if she asked at a time that I wasn’t already doing a million things… Admittedly that isn’t often, I like to stay busy. I told her my mom was that way, and I thought maybe I got it from her. She told me she didn’t think that was right… She said she thought it was after my ex husband and my former best friend betrayed me. She said ever since then I have been less trusting of people… I think she is right. I didn’t want that to be a defining moment of my life… But it was.

XoXo