Just Me

Okay so before anyone reading this gets the wrong idea this isn’t about anyone but me. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just how I am feeling for some reason.

Okay so here I am in the middle of nowhere Kansas with some family and a few friends and I feel totally alone. Why I have no idea. I mean I know I’m not . I have my dad and little brother here who are amazing and I have some friends but the people that I really want to be here aren’t because they can’t and believe me I understand that. I feel like for some reason that I am failing the ones that I love. And I have no idea why. I haven’t done anything differently. This morning my best friend called me and I didn’t answer because I didnt hear it ring and when I listened to the voice mail I started to cry. She called me sunshine. I haven’t heard that from her in a long time. Not only that I miss her and It’s only been a month since I saw her last. But that month is way to long already seeing as how I didnt want to leave in the first place. I can’t talk to my dad about all this because he is going through enough right now as it is. Apart of me thinks that I should move back to California just so I could be there to help take care of my sister but then apart of me knows that if I ever did that she would kick my ass because she is the one (other than my best friend) who keeps telling me that I need to live my own life. I have been talking to an old friend and I said something that ended up hurting them and that wasn’t my plan. It came out completely wrong. But he says that everything is okay. People here in town keep asking me why I’m not seeing anyone and the only thing that I can say is cause I haven’t found the guy who is going to stay faithful to me. When what I really want to say is because apparently I’m not good enough and make a better friend than a girlfriend. Or so I’ve been told. But I seriously dont feel good enough for anyone right now. Well I’m done. I’ll write again later.

Again this isnt because of anyone. It’s just me. I will be okay in a couple days.

Walking Alone

Walking alone
Down loves road
I seem to lose myself

I cry
Into the midnight sky
Trying to find my way back

I long
To see the love in his eyes
Even if only for a second

I turn
To look into his eyes
And stare into a pit of dispair

An original work by Katherine Beaudette
April 11, 2006