what must it be like, to be happy for more than a minute at a time?

Well, looks like I’m back.

It’s been, in some ways, a wonderful 7 months, and in other ways, very difficult.

I got a new job, and then lost said job. I’m sort of trying now to find a new one, but I find it all exhausting. I’m sick of working for a living. It’s a racket, amirite?

I broke up with Pat two days after my birthday, one day after he pretty much spoiled my family celebration by being a mopey, sulky cunt. And I had just had enough. He was emotionally abusive to me, and continues to be. But at least now I don’t really have to take it. I want to be his friend, I’ll always care about him – but he really managed to wreck me on his way out.

I have a new partner, Dave, who I am crazy about. He makes me want to be domestic. I cook and clean everyday, and I take pleasure in it. I honestly love doing things for him.  I love his sense of humor and his creative spirit. I love his dogs, and listening to his band play. I love being touched by him. Whether it’s his hand rubbing my neck while I drive, the way he’ll pull me close and rest his head against mine, his kisses… I’m really just banana boats about him. He makes me feel safe and loved. And he has four dogs and they’re all just delightful. Two of them are snoozing next to me as I write this.

I’ve been really in my feelings lately, it’s been a weird time. Three years ago I was in the hospital with super high blood pressure, so high that it was giving me stroke-like symptoms, and there was a real possibility I wasn’t going to recover. I’ve been managing my BP ever since, but for a lot of October the line “because reason says I should’ve died three years ago” (from Rent) had been playing through my mind. I don’t think I ever really dealt with that brush with death and I’m frankly not sure how to.

I also think I might need to have my antidepressants adjusted – I feel like my anxiety has been very high even if I take it everyday, etc. And the depression… well it comes and goes. But lately it feels like it does a lot more coming than going.

I’m sure that’s connected to my having recently lost my job, and my feeling of self worth virtually bottoming out between Pat’s bullshit hijinx and that…

But I also just feel lost. Adrift. I am 37 years old and still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Maybe I’ll never know. And I feel a little bit robbed. I was told, when I was young, that I was smart and would have success. I feel stupid about 80% of the time and I would say, success hasn’t been a throughline for me.

I realized recently that one think I do want is to get married. I think I used to feel pretty ambivalent about it. But I want to be someone’s wife. I want someone to be my husband. I don’t know why it feels so important now. But it does. And I don’t know if it will ever be in the cards for me. Dave was married before, when he was younger (he’s 54 now), and I don’t know if he wants to be again. Not that we’re there yet – we’ve been dating since April (almost 7 months now actually), but I look at him and wonder – maybe someday?

But right now I’d give anything to just feel like this is my world and I have a place in it. I remember when I initially got the new job, I thought, “this is great, you only get so many chances in life, and this might be my last one!” Well, what if it was? You know? I don’t mean I won’t find work – of course I’ll find work. I just mean, how many more exceptional opportunities will I get?

This is depressing. But yeah anyway, buckle up and get ready for more of my bullshit.