things are always better in the morning

it really felt good to get all that off my chest yesterday. i think in general, things have felt overwhelming lately, and this is sort of my cycle – i take on too much, i let it drive me into the ground, and i find myself on the brink of a total mental breakdown. though this cycle does not usually include the bullshit i’m dealing with as regards my partner.

what i used to do was get involved in too many side projects – i stage managed theater as a part-time job/extracurricular activity, and i would take on more and more shows, never really getting a break. and i would brag about it, like there should be some award for being a punching bag to life. it was stupid. i think my problem is, no matter what the object, i always want more. more money, more squishmallows, more pairs of cute earrings, more punch needle kits, more sexual partners, more, more, more… never stopping to try and be content in what i have, just blindly pursuing more. i guess i could blame capitalism, but i feel like this is somehow based on my own fear of loss, of having everything taken, of not having control?

whatever it is, it’s some fucking bullshit and i would rather not.

where my boyfriend is concerned. as soon as he isn’t constantly chasing tail, he’s back into the woe-is-me doldrums, everything is bad, he’s bad, he’s tired, he hurts, he’s a failure, etc…. i recognize this pattern too – it’s way easier to get engrossed in *whatever* than it is to improve yourself, and when i was working myself to the bone for a decade starting in my mid-twenties, i was doing it to stay busy instead of having to think.