surviving is frankly exhausting

i have been having just a fucking terrible week. month? 2023 has pretty much been shit so far, if i’m being completely honest.

my boyfriend and i decided to open our relationship* recently, and i was not prepared for how that would make me feel. at first it was fine, he was seeing a bunch of different people and i felt comfortable. sure, it was a little difficult, sharing his body with other people, but that didn’t bother nearly as much as when i could tell that i was sharing his heart.

and yes, certainly i signed up for this and asked for it and yes, certainly i have no one to blame but myself. but that doesn’t mean that i had to be okay with the way i was feeling, the way he was behaving, or the way i was being treated.

he started seeing this woman, let’s call her Erin because that’s her name. i could tell right away that this was different. he was seeing her several times a week, he was basically disinterested in me sexually (which honestly was highly unusual – he’s got a very high libido and is typically always looking for sex), and i felt completely cast off. i know that new relationship energy (nre) can be strong, but this was different even then that. he was falling in love with her and i could tell.

i cried for hours one day, telling him that i felt like he was looking for a way out of our relationship, that he didn’t want to be with me in our home anymore. he tried to comfort me, offered to break off the relationship… but i was trying really hard to be strong, to let him have this.

i had the unfortunate luck to wake up one night while he was texting her next to me in bed… and i watched as he said some of the same things he said to me when we were first seeing each other. how he is a caregiver (bullshit), how he is a protector (also kinda bullshit), how he is a Sir not a Daddy (not bullshit – he may have some dominant traits but he’s definitely not the Daddy type). seeing him pretty much give her the same rundown he gave me was shocking and i think it made everything else 10x worse. again, i know that i didn’t have to read what he was writing, but i was half awake and not really in my right mind. i don’t regret it though, because it confirmed my suspicions – even if it hurt me, i’m glad i knew.

then came a week where he hung out with “some friends” on friday night, and then the following monday was hanging out with “the same friend.” i asked if he meant a date. he said that there weren’t going to be any “shenanigans”, but that yes it was a date. i told him that day that, if he is hanging out with a friend who he plans to put his dick into, even if it isn’t that day – it’s a date. and asked him not to use euphemistic language because it feels sneaky and makes me ask, which i don’t want to have to do.

anyway. then he tells me he’s going to see Erin saturday night (after I’ve left to go dogsitting for an aunt), and then again on tuesday. i tell my hairdresser that day that it’s really tearing me apart and giving me severe anxiety. i can feel myself slipping into paranoia. i tell him friday (the night before i leave for 10 days) that i need him to stop seeing her. this hurts him, and i can see that he’s holding out hope that i’ll change my mind. which i will not.

i don’t like that i hurt him, but if this is my relationship, and if i have to look out for my own best interests, this is the only way. i comfort myself with the knowledge that he’ll get over it in time.

the next day, i go home after work to pick up my belongings for the 10 day stay away. we talk for hours, which leads to him being passive aggressive and nasty. i cry for three or more hours. i beg him not to give up on me, to give me a chance to redeem myself and prove my love. i drive to my aunt’s house crying, and actively consider and plan suicide for the first time in a long time. i have the means to do it, sitting in my purse – 90 100mg tabs of labetelol would do it, lowering my bp until i passed away. it would be like going to sleep, i bet. but i don’t. i fortunately have virtual social time planned with some friends, and i share my pain with some of my closest after the group disperses. it feels better to get it out but i know it isn’t over.

we meet the next day for brunch, but i cry as soon as i see him and can’t speak. i cling to him like letting go will untether me from the world. maybe it will. we talk for hours, and we renew our commitment. he says it’s better if he doesn’t see other people for the time being, because he doesn’t want to lose me, make me uncomfortable, or hurt me. even knowing this, my heart hurts, i feel heavy. and i am distrustful.

being honest, the coming days only ease my fears so far. he is talking about other people he has made connections with and hopes to continue seeing, after telling me he’ll break it off. thursday i get angry and stop talking to him.

this is part of his pattern. he says a lot of things but his actions don’t match his words. am i wasting my time?

this is, unfortunately, only one facet of a week that is becoming worse with every passing moment.

-AJ

*it might be more accurate to say, “open our relationship further” – we are currently two parts of a MFM polycule living together under one roof, and mostly harmoniously at that.