hope springs eternal

i have been trying to focus more lately on finding a new job. it may sound petty, but skirts and dresses were recently deemed forbidden as part of our uniform by the management, and i am officially way fucking over it. imagine that – losing all self-expression being the last straw on my camel’s back. i have spent a long time curating a collection of fabulous clothes that i feel amazing in, and having that taken from me so that i have to wear scrub pants is like… the worst. no offense to scrub pants – i just don’t OWN any pants or shirts – i own dresses.

and next week, so far, i have two interviews – one phone screen, and one 2-hour marathon round robin. i am going to apply for jobs every dang day until i have a new one. fuck this place.

things have been better with my partner, though he mentioned today he’s feeling ‘antsy’. i feel like this is just another way he’s hoping to chip away at my resolve to work on our issues rather than ignoring them and letting him just run around fucking and falling in love with anyone he wants.

i have had to start questioning my motives, though. i know that it is very much in my nature to fall in love at the drop of a hat. and there are times when i feel like i would leave everything behind for the right person. is it primarily my fear that he feels the exact same way that’s the issue? am i just projecting my own deep-seated desire to find the perfect One on him? probs.

he’s seeing some friends tonight, hopefully that will chill him out for a minute.

that said, i will be starting therapy next week so, perhaps i will be able to work some of my own shit out so i don’t keep blaming my bullshit on other people. she was impressed that i was willing to talk openly about codependency – apparently, this is a dirty word to a lot of people. i don’t think it’s my best quality, but i also think i was shaped into the person i was by way of having an emotionally unavailable, abusive mother and a narcissistic, emotionally and verbally abusive father – and so i only fail if i don’t resolve my issues, now that i understand them. i will certainly do my best to work to that end.

there is a client here who is incredibly obnoxious, and she often arrives for appointments with her equally obnoxious son. today, she loudly exclaimed that there was ‘feces, probably animal’ on the bench of the waiting area. we’re a vet’s office, that’s a pretty safe bet, lady. i went over, cleaned it up, sprayed disinfectant, etc., and she was yammering at me the whole time. every time she comes in, she tries to make small talk with we the front desk staff. i’m sure it’s at least partly because most of her conversations are with her child, and adult conversation in any form is welcome; and also because she’s so fucking annoying i can’t imagine she has many friends.

at any rate, after i cleaned the mess, i turned to my coworker and said, ‘how much do you want to bet, she put the turd there herself, just so she could force that interaction to take place? she just plopped it on the bench and “oh my! a shit!”‘ we had a good laugh at this – that’s one of the highlights of the job here, we’re almost a family, and our sense of humor and enjoyment of each other reflects that.

this weekend, i’m fairly certain that my father and stepmother are taking me to see my favorite folk artist perform live. they had mentioned a surprise for this saturday at christmastime, and haven’t been willing to budge on telling me what we’re up to. then facebook gave me an ad for the artist in question, and told me there was a show on that very date. mystery solved. if i’m wrong, i’m going to feel very silly. but of course i haven’t told them i have it figured out. my dad even asked me, and i merely said i had theories. this is the age of adulthood i have reached – it is more important to me to have my folks pleased that they gave me a lovely surprise than to act all smug lol. i’m excited.

what are you doing this weekend?

-AJ