and all that was left in the box… was hope
well, it’s been a hell of a fortnight here in Assafrassland. i just found out that Pat has still been talking to other women after saying he would take a pause for us to work on ourselves. when confronted on why he would do that if he was afraid it would fuck up our relationship, he had no response, except to be defensive and say that he felt like he had already ruined everything.
i know that the open relationship thing was, again, basically my idea – but i wasn’t initiating it because i was horrified of only having a romantic/emotional relationship with my partners. it was because i love sex and wanted to be having more of it with more partners lol. but for him, it basically sounds like he catches feels at the drop of a hat and, if that’s the case – how am i at all special? why does he want to be with me? why not just pack up and go about his business?
i keep telling him that if he wants to leave, he can leave. i’m sure there’s at least part of him that would like to, especially since i’ve managed to find some of my self-worth and am not just letting him walk all over me like a complete shitlord. but i think he also knows that none of these women he’s known online exclusively or having met them one or two times will be ready to take him on fulltime, and if they did, i suspect he knows that most people aren’t suckers enough to put up with his bullshit, especially after so little time. i put up with it because we dated for months before we lived together and i was already fully in love with him, and the bad stuff came out slow. but if you jump right into full time living, it’ll emerge faster.
anyway, enough about him for now. on the “hope” side of the spectrum, i have a phone appointment to talk with a new therapist this coming wednesday, and i’m hype to have someone to discuss things with. i have had a lot of bad days (weeks, months, etc) lately, and having someone i can count on when i need some advice and grounding. i think it will be a positive thing.
i’m also applying to loads of jobs. i was willing to put up with quite a lot of bullshit here at the office, but the fact that i’m now required to wear pants and have had to retire all my lovely dresses is a step too far. so the efforts to find a new job have been redoubled, and with any luck, something will present itself. if you pray or cross your fingers or do as i do and ask the universe for things when they are needed, please do that thing for me. i need to find a job that i enjoy, that challenges me and that satisfies my curiosity. i know that’s a lot to ask, so i’d settle for something that i can wear whatever i want and make more money. maybe? please?
I think some of us are just not wired to be able to have that physical connection without forming feelings. That can be confusing and harmful. It sounds to me from your entry that he is wanting to possibly move on and date other people but maybe the the weight of the finality of him being honest with you about that is intimidating. So what do we do? We start chipping away. “We should take a break” has no closure… then he is still talking to other women. Like okay bud what’s the break for? Is it to clear your head and focus yourself, fitness, health, career? Or do you wanna F around ya know? At the end of the day you have to know your worth, what you want, and what that looks like. What I sometime use for my own reflection and assessment of my relationship(s) is: Relationships take work. But it can’t be all work. If it always feels like work then I’m obviously fighting something (The Universe, etc.) and I will lose.
@dahveed to clarify, he and i aren’t pausing our relationship, we’re pausing the side dating. he and i have had a lot of issues that we’ve largely ignored (and yes, i am as guilty of that as he is, for sure), and honestly, the jealousy i was feeling about Erin (who i mentioned in my first post) was probably a good thing, because it reminded me how important he is to my life.
from what he said saturday, he’s basically been looking at people the whole time we’re together like ‘wow i’d love to get to know and date that person, but my relationship isn’t built that way so, ah well.’ so that… was information i’d actually have loved not to know lol.
when things with Pat are good, they’re amazing. the last two weeks have been incredible – we’ve spent more time sending each other cute texts, more time talking, more time being mindful and being intimate (whether sex is involved or not, just holding each other and affirming our love, etc.), and we’ve planned to have at least one day a week where we do stuff alone – go out for dinner or for a walk, anything that is time just for us.
i have been thinking though, that if he isn’t able to start proving he’s really in OUR relationship, that it’s gonna have to be over. it’s not worth the emotional turmoil and 3 hours of tears every few days. you know?
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I don’t understand open relationships; it seems this has become the norm for your generation ( I’m assuming you’re younger)
Personally, I don’t see the point of being in an open relationship- if people can’t stay committed to one person, why not just stay single?
just my 2 cents
@ashestoashes I’m 36, I’m not sure how that compares with your opinion of my generation 🙂
As far as why not just stay single – it’s nearly impossible to live on your own in Massachusetts, where I live. I live with two partners and it still feels like we’re barely scraping by sometimes. I think there is a desire for security and variety where I’m concerned – if I’m being really honest, I’m more than a little addicted to the feeling of falling in love. I’m in therapy and working on this, but it’s a Process.
But yeah, sometimes it’s frankly way more trouble than it’s worth, especially when one of your primary partners is a manchild with no self-restraint, an inability to be transparent, and a severe mental disorder that makes everything 10x worse basically all the time.
@fallawakening
That’s interesting…
I have often surmised that women, in particular, are addicted to the feeling of falling in love. You’re admission confirms my previous suspicions-so, thanks for your candor; it’s a topic that has always fascinated me. I’m a bit of an addict myself-though my addiction lie in understanding the human condition. I suppose I missed my calling as a social psychologist lol
Getting back to your admission-So, essentially, you’re what I like to call a love junkie; You chase the chemical euphoria associated with the notion of love itself. This is along the same lines as a drug addict chasing that chemical high…I’ve always likened love to drug addiction. I admit, the high can be equally as intense. I can understand how people can become addicted to that feeling of pleasure, however, just like drugs, it’s best to realize that the feeling is both ephemeral and deceptive…It’s literally impossible to sustain over the long run..I wholeheartedly believe this to be the reason that most relationships fail; humans conflate “in love” with love(if such a thing even exists)
It would seem, that what humans perceive as love, is,in reality, nothing more than a temporary rush if dopamine and/or oxytocin…an evolutionary ruse-whose sole purpose is for the propagation of the species.
Love-as in, real love, seems to be nothing than more of a feeling of comfort with someone, gained through shared experience.
The problem with this, is that love is viewed as boring and predictable to humans. Most humans can’t stand boredom-hence the reason for infidelity/break up of relationships.
I suppose my ultimate conclusion is that romantic love, is essentially, a myth. It’s an antiquated ideal used mostly to sell movie tickets and greeting cards. It’s become so commercialized, that I can’t help but feel otherwise. The statistics of divorce speak for themselves. In fact, given such statistics, as well as the current state of our culture, I’m not quite sure why people still opt to get married. It’s nothing more than institutionalized slavery.
I predict it will go extinct in due time, as humans are waking up to the realization that it’s all a bunch of nonsense.
I’m from Massachusetts too, btw…I was born in Milton
@ashestoashes that’s wild, I used to have a part time job in Milton, and I am living very nearby to Milton now.
I don’t think all women are addicted to falling in love. I think I am. I have an addictive personality to be sure. And I’m codependent as fuck. It’s… no good. I’m a mess of a person.
Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s all bullshit – but it feels so good.
@fallawakening
That is interesting that you live so close to Milton. Whereabouts? Quincy? Braintree?
Sometimes I miss home and consider moving back. I’ve been living in Florida for almost 17 years now. I’m just about over this place.
and yeah, I understand the addictive nature of love. It can be rather all encompassing at times. I’ve been there a few times in my life.It never ended up well for me. I guess I’m just burnt out on the idea of even being with anyone anymore. I guess, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve all hit lost that spark of excitement within me. I just don’t see the point of going down that road anymore. It’s that feeling of “ been there, done that”.
These days I find I mostly just want peace and quiet. I’m not sure if it’s just a “me” thing, or if this is just what comes with age.
@ashestoashes really glad to hear from you, sincerely.
Randolph 🙂
Honey, you sound depressed. If you ever need someone to talk to, just know I’m a willing ear.
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