My wife

This is my first entry and I’m feeling super embarrassed to be doing this for some reason. I don’t normally discuss my feelings in depth except for when I’m talking with my therapist, who now that I think about it I haven’t seen in a while.

Anyways, I was reading through people’s entries and I wish I had less empathy. I’m not even trying to be cocky about how nice I am or something because genuinely empathy has done so much harm to my life. I feel sadness for everyone over anything, I was reading this girl’s journal from 2019 and she was sad, and never posted again. Now I’m sitting at the library and barely holding tears and a horrible ache in my heart because I’m thinking, what if she’s still sad? What is she doing? And I feel that with pretty much everyone where I experience gut wrenching agony over the fact that people experience their own lives and sometimes if not all times they’re sad, hungry, alone, the sky is grey and we sometimes feel like life has no meaning.

But I have a million reasons to be grateful that I feel things so intensely, one of them being my soulmate, we’re gonna call her V. V is my entire heart, my entire soul. I know I am whole without her of course, but my God I love her so much. I adore her. She’s so beautiful in every way possible. I feel so safe with her, I feel so happy. I’m always looking forward for the time when we’re gonna have a laughing fit together, cuddle skin to skin, talk about all the things we wanna do together. This morning I put on a perfume she got me years ago, that I’m using here and there because I never want to run out of this very specific bottle, as it brings me back to such great memories we had from that summer where I was continuously wearing that scent.

I dream about the day I’ll have children with V. I feel so selfish for wanting to bring children into life when living today, well, sucks. Everything is expensive, people can’t’ afford to eat there’s genocides there’s a million things going wrong and here I am thinking about how I want a big family. I’ve raised many kids before considering the odd family disposition I endured during childhood but hey, I’m really good at this now at least. But I’m still scared, because I feel selfish. And also, what if now that it’s our biological children I suck?

I have to go study statistics now, I’m gonna come home to V and I’ll see her beautiful eyes and perfect smile that I fall in love with more each day and I’ll feel less selfish because I want kids that have her smile and my A+ sense of humor.