Restart My Heart

My best friend told me he’s seeing someone.

I don’t know why but I felt a pang inside me. Jealousy.

No, I am not in love with him. He’s just my best friend. He understands me and I understand him. Yes, our friendship is not like anyone else’s and the way I talk about him you’d think that I had some buried secretive feelings about him, but he’s just my best friend. Nothing more.

I was jealous because he found someone.

I was jealous because I want to fall in love.

Is that bad? I mean, even with everything that has happened to me, I still want to be able to connect with someone that deeply. I want to be able to say that I’m in love with someone and someone’s in love with me.

Before, I would kneel against my bed and pray to God to send me someone good who will love me for me. The fact is, God has sent me many someones including my best friend’s friend whom I mentioned a couple of entries ago. Now my prayers have changed from "someone good who will love me" to "the one for me whom I will love back" because I found out that the problem isn’t them. It’s me.

I’m the one who has trouble trusting. I’m the one who has trouble opening up my heart. For me, the problem isn’t finding someone who will love me for me and treat me with respect. The problem is finding someone whom I will love.

I want to fall in love. But I can’t.

Every time I try to get close to someone, I feel ashamed and dirty. I feel like I don’t deserve the wonderful person that’s in front of me and even if they are worth fighting for, I’m not worth fighting for. They will run into problems when it concerns getting close enough to penetrate my heart…because I won’t let them. 

I know I should take risks. Life would be nothing without risks. Life would be meaningless.

But I just can’t bring myself to put my heart out there. Some people will say "It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t." That may be the truth but the thing is, I do want to put myself out there. I know that if I don’t take risks, nothing wonderful can happen to my life but I just can’t. I don’t know why.

All I know is that I want to. 

I pray to God that He will send me someone who will break through my barriers and whom I won’t be able to help but fall in love with. I want someone who won’t give up on me. I want someone who will fight for me. I want someone who will prove me wrong and see that I am worth fighting for.

I want someone who will restart my heart…