ugh

even when i was "cured" from depression, which has been the last few years, i would still get depressed every now and then. not normal sad, depressed. usually it was just a random day every week or two when everything seemed so bleak and hopeless and getting out of bed/off the couch was just way too difficult.  then i would wake up the next morning and everything would be fine.

since i’ve been in illinois, and even several weeks before, that hasn’t happened at all. i’ve had an overwhelming sense of satisfaction with life, control, confidence, contentness. it’s surprising because i’ve had so much stress in starting school, keeping up, starting a new job, moving to where i don’t know anyone, having a roommate who doesn’t pay rent. i sometimes feel the anxiety threatening to creep back up, but i always keep it in check and the depression has kept far, far away. i think it’s because my social life has taken a major upswing, i feel attractive and confident, i’ve started taking fish oil to self-medicate without really medicating, and maybe most important,ly i’ve been running regularly ever since i arrived here.

anyway, last night the dreaded feelings came back for the first time in months. i don’t know what was wrong, i was out with friends but i wasn’t feeling the being out or socializing. i just started feeling like i did in costa rica, not like myself, unattractive, shy, powerless, and frustrated with my inability to find a man i like here. so i just called it a night and went home. i should have tried harder and i’m sure the night would have improved, but like i said, i just wasn’t feeling it.

of course waking up this morning, i am tempted to feel depressed *about* having felt depressed, but, well, fuck that. i *know* what to do to not feel that way, i know how to redirect my thoughts, i know i can be in control and that my life is good here so i’m taking back control. i’m not letting this come back when i’ve had such a nice reprieve.