hopefully the last sex entry for a while

yes, i think i will be done obsessing about sex because i finally had some. yesterday i had sex for the first time in close to three years. there are a lot of reasons why i haven’t had sex in so long, but i attribute it mostly to being cheated on and later realizing what a complete asshole the first guy i had sex with was but i’d rather talk about that some other time.

since it’d been so long, i was pretty much a born-again virgin with no cause. so i guess i had this idea that having sex would be this huge, life-changing thing and that actual intercourse would magically solve all my sex problems. obviously both of these premises were false. it was weird, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

i feel like i should feel slutty. i’d only known the guy for four days. but i think that sluttiness is really a bullshit concept, especially since it is used to apply only to women. but mostly i knew that i was ready to start having sex again several months ago, as soon as i found the right person. the right person for me wasn’t, you know, that amazing man that i want to be with forever, but just someone i found attractive, trusted and enjoyed being with. those sound like low standards but i am extremely picky and it has taken me like 5 months to find someone like that that wasn’t gay/taken/not into me. but anyway, the main reason is that i feel like i’m a pretty good people reader and i can get a good feel of someone after spending a few hours with them. plus i really wanted to have sex and, well, get it over with in a way.

so anyway, it was fun and all but not as amazing as i’d thought and really just not as big of a deal as i’d imagined. ie, nothing in my life changed except that i spent a few hours doing something i wouldn’t normally do. and i was shocked that it didn’t hurt more than it did. i was expecting it to be really bad since it’s been so long but… it wasn’t, and that was a nice surprise.

so i guess that in my feminazism, my thinking went something like, guys just use girls for sex all the time. so it shouldn’t be hard to find a guy that just wants to have sex. and hell, why can’t i be the girl who uses guys for sex? i mean, i’ll only sleep with guys that i actually like and want to spend time with outside of bed too, but why can’t i date around and sleep with different guys without committing?

but then it hit me that it’s really not fair to use guys as sex objects and then toss them out, just like it’s not fair when it happens to women. it’s only okay when it’s mutual. and i realized that maybe not really that many guys after all just want random meaningless sex. and that not very many people at all accept the idea of an open relationship.

so the as for the guy that i slept with, i thought that he would be a lot harder to impress and i thought that i would be lucky if he really liked me that much at all. i guess i didn’t really think i was his type. but it turns out that he’s into me a lot and wants a relationship, although not a serious one. and i do like him a lot and i want to keep seeing him. but i just kind of want to have fun right now. i like the idea of an open relationship because shit, it’s only college, i’m not looking to get married. at some point we’ll both be tempted by someone else, so why not just say it’s okay for both of us? but anyway, he’s not into that idea. and i’m not sure what to do because at this point i think that i have a lot of growing to do and that a relationship would be bad for me. and i think that i could handle a monogamous relationship *if* it were very casual and we didn’t spend all our time together, which is what he says he wants, but he seems to be more into me than i am to him and i don’t like that.

fuck, why does dating always come down to games like that? it does. i can’t help it. if he’s indifferent to me, i’ll try as hard as i can to get him to like me and the moment that he’s way into me, i start caring less. it shouldn’t be that way, but it’s hard to help. i think something in me just sees as pathetic guys that absolutely fall for and adore a woman that they haven’t known that long or are not dating, etc etc. but that is a point for another entry because it’s really much more complex than that.

anyway. i don’t know what to do. oh, and i met a friend of a friend at a bar saturday night that i really like and i’d like to call him too. but obviously not if i’m going to be in a relationship. i told the guy that i need to think about how i feel about being in a relationship and that i will let him know soon.

i feel kind of like a bitch. but a frustrated one.