Wednesdays Are More Than Just Hump Day

I just want to say this site… is really pissing me off today!  I have been trying to read other diaries but for some reason it takes at least 3 minutes or more of waiting to pull up an entry, and now I just wrote half of my entry and it was mysteriously deleted while I was in the middle of it! 

Anyway… it went something like this…

Today has been a beautiful day of doing absolutely nothing!  My mother-in-law has given me Wednesdays off, and I’ve used my time wisely.  I watched shows on Netflix all day. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve been able to do that.  I miss doing trivial bullshit and not worrying about anything.  Just having me time.  It’s nice.

I have had a lot of good days in a row lately.  I haven’t felt panicky at all and that has my hopes up that I am on the mend.  My husband is still acting weird toward me.  He told me he thought I was going to leave him while it was at it’s peak in December.  He really pissed me off when he told me this.  He was acting like an extreme jerk the entire time, and he said it’s because he was being on the defensive because he was scared I was leaving him.

I was pissed because this was the scariest time in my entire life, and I needed him.  The only reason I mentioned going to my mother’s for 2 months was because HE wasn’t being there for me.  I understand that what I was going through probably scared him too, and he was going through his own emotions about it.  But I literally thought I was dying at least 3 times if not more (that’s just the number of time I ended up in the ER), and he wouldn’t even try to help me while I was freaking out.  He’d just get frustrated and tell he "you’re not dying" and get mad that I wanted to go to the ER.

I understand we don’t have that kind of money, but he was not the one with those extreme physical sensations going on in his body.  Now that I’ve read up a great deal on Anxiety, I know more and am more prepared.  I mean, jeez what’s a crazy girl got to do to get a hug around here? 

Anyway, I’m not sure if things are better in that department or not.  We never have time to talk about things since we have an almost 3 year old and a 1 year old…  I just feel like we don’t even know who we are anymore.

I’m mostly pissed about how much my life has changed after giving him the family that he’s wanted this whole time, but his life has not changed at all!  I never wanted kids, but I thought one would be ok for me to handle since his mother said she’d watch her… but then came Warren… Surprise!  and his mom didn’t want to watch two kids… so here I am now, a stay at home mom, like my mother was and I vowed I wouldn’t end up like my parents… 

Now my body is ruined, everything I worked for in attaining any semblance of a career has been flushed down the toilet, I am not the same person I used to be, and now there is no time to even think straight!  Everyone says, "it’ll get better".  If I hear that again I’m going to fucking explode!  Oh yea, it’ll get better, WHEN?  I’m just sick of living the day to day….

I love my kids… I really do.  I would do ANYTHING for them.  I love them so much it’s actually driven me crazy thinking about the little things that could hurt them and trying to avoid any situation that could hurt them, physically or emotionally.  But I guess in the long run that doesn’t help them learn a damn thing.  Maybe I do need to be less caring like my husband says… let them learn from their mistakes… but they just seem so fragile… and when they hurt, I hurt 10x worse! 

Anyway… if I knew how much things would have changed before having kids… I never would have said yes.  People may think I’m a bah humbug or whatever, but when they ask me if they should have a kid, I say NO, not unless you are willing to give up EVERYTHING for them, and I mean EVERYTHING.  Because if they are prepared to do that… then maybe yes… have a kid.  Mostly because anyone I asked didn’t warn me.  I didn’t have friends with kids… I knew it was going to be a HUGE responsibility, but I didn’t EVER understand just how much.  I was never around any babies in my life. 

But the cliché is true, now that I have them, I would not give them up for the WORLD!  This much is truth.  I love those little bastards…. LOL!

Anyway, the rewrite is nothing like the first draft… took a totally different direction… but such is journaling… I just write what pops in my head… Now the fun of the day has come to an end… and I must balance the checkbook before I am thrown back into reality.