Things never change…

Man it’s been a while again.  I don’t know how I’m feeling lately.  I think I might be getting freaked out about this whole marriage thing.  Sometimes I feel like Josh and I were always meant to be with each other, and then other times it’s really hard.  I don’t know if it’s just that times are hard since we’re having to save to much for this damn wedding and we’re poor and we can’t do anything so life is just borring.  I wish I would have stuck to my first decision and got married on the beach.  At least we’ll have our honeymoon there.  I feel like we just need something to get that spark going again.  I feel so unattractive lately… he doesn’t touch me like he used to… it’s really upsetting.  I know he loves me but lately it feels more of just staying because he’s comforable.  I hope that’s not the case.  And as for me… I’m just worried I guess.  Marriage has always scared me.. the whole idea of it is just freaky.  Like there is no turning back or something… but then I think to myself.. if it was the person for me would I have these thoughts?  Or does everyone think these things before they make the plunge?  Or is it that I’m just not happy with myself and that’s comming out and projecting into our relationship and hurting him?  I gained 25 pounds since I started this stupid office job and man I hate it.  I’da left it a long time ago if it wasn’t for the stupid bonus they give out every quarter.  I need that to pay for this wedding.  I’m just feeling trapped and his mother isn’t helping because she’s so pushy with the whole being religious thing.  Man I’ve had a tough life and I’m sick of having things shoved down my throat right now.  If I want to blame god bud out and let me do it.  I’ll have to deal with the consequenses, not her!  Ugh… I really wonder just what I’m getting myself into, and if I’ll be able to handle it all.  I just want to know things are going to work and that we’ll be happy and that he’s not just with me because he feels this is as good as it’s going to get.  I want to know that he thinks that if he isn’t with me he couldn’t live.  I want to feel that passion we felt when it all first started… but I guess everyone says it fades with time… I just don’t think it should have faded before getting married.  Maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions… I think we need to talk. 

I’m starting to work out… I’ve been thinking of joining either a kickboxing class or a dance class or something just to get back into shape.  I mean.. shit 148 lbs… what the hell happened to me.  I miss being a kid and not having a care in the world…. I want to go back to how things used to be… I want to remember what if felt like to be happy…