oh woe is me

Tom and I have been on break for about 2 weeks now.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but I do know one thing… I’m confused as hell.  I know I love him and I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if that’s enough to make a relationship work.  I mean, doens’t effort have to come into play in there somewhere?  I don’t know what to do.. he’s been so nice to me now that things aren’t so good, and I don’t know if he’s doing this just to get me back?  Or maybe he’s finally realizing just how much it bothered me that I felt as though I was the only one putting in the effort?  I’m so scared to make the wrong decision and I’m freaking out.

Then there’s josh.  He knows about all of this and he’s trying so hard to be with me, and he treats me pretty nice.  We have kissed and I feel like it’s just way too fast.  I told him that yesterday, and I think he got mad.  He’s a very impatient guy, and that kind of makes me stand offish with him too.  I mean, if he really cared, wouldn’t he want me to figure things out instead of just jumping into something with him?  Wouldn’t he feel like a rebound or something?  I just don’t understand guys.  I don’t understand myself really…

It was so wierd kissing someone else too.  I mean, Tom is all I’ve ever known you know?  I mean, with ANYTHING.  I don’t know if that’s why but, it just felt wierd with Josh.  Maybe I was just uncomfortable?  He did kind of spring it on me…

I just wish I could get away for a while and figure some things out.  Tom comes down in May still, with his parents and everything.  I think what I need is to just see him again, and then maybe I’ll be able to see his face and make a decision.  And if things work out then fine and if not fine.  That sounds cold, but I’m just so sick of feeling this way… And Josh just thinks that we’re going to jump into a relationship right after, I just can’t do that.  If things don’t work out with me and Tom, maybe I should just stay single.  If Josh wants to wait around then fine, maybe something will happen?  I just need to see Tom again, and then I’ll be able to figure some of this out.