letter

Koren, I’m writing you this letter because one, I want you to know exactly what happened because some rumors have been flying around and I want to clear some things up, and two I just really think I owe it to you, and if you don’t think so, then I just owe it to myself.  I’m not writing you this letter to make you angry, I’m writing you this letter to tell you the truth about why I decided it’s best that we aren’t friends.  I don’t know when I realized it, I guess it was after the second time you got screwed over by Rusty, but you started to change.  At first I was happy to no end for you.  It was what you needed, a way to be rid of the pain he put you through, so I was happy that you were able to finally be someone you wanted to be. And you started to hang out with old friends, I was happy for you then too.  But what I didn’t realize is that the person you were going to end up being was someone that I didn’t want to be around.  I realize now that I should have talked to you about it then when it first started to bother me, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to ruin the one thing that was going to let you get over Rusty.  Instead I let it bother me, I thought, maybe it was just like a week phase to sit there and belittle me and make fun of how I am for you.  Maybe it was a way of letting out your aggression from Rusty on someone else, and if that’s what it was, I’d take a little of the heat for you.  But a week turned into a month and kept going, and after a while I started canceling things with you and stopped calling because I didn’t want to hear you tell me I was stupid or boring or like Emily.  Not to mention we’d go out with your other friends, and I would just feel like you were embarrassed to bring me along.  And when I couldn’t take it and finally wanted to hang out with you because I missed you, you’d cancel with me.  It hurt me.  But I couldn’t really say anything because I had done it to you for so long.  Then we got into that fight, because you had voiced what I didn’t want to hear.  The one time I didn’t cancel, but I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.  You told me I wasn’t worth your time.  Koren, I never cried so hard in my life.  You used to be like a sister to me, but over the course of a month and a half, it felt like I didn’t even know who you were.  I’d go home after working a shift with you at Sonic and cry.  I’d throw up before I went to work when I worked with you because I couldn’t believe that you’d want to be so mean to me.  I’d hear things from other people that you had said about me and I couldn’t take it!   So I finally asked Cathy to put me on the schedule only when you didn’t work. I missed you that whole time, Koren.  I missed how we could just sit and talk until 4 am about whatever, or how you used to listen and care about my problems, or baking those cookies, or just hanging out and watching friends or something.  Then the day came when you apologized.  (Something that I told myself I wasn’t going to do, because if you did it, then that meant that maybe you really did care about me.) (and I’d like to point out too, that at this time, when I accepted your apology, there wasn’t any talk or any hint of Cozumel, so I don’t know how you could even think that I was trying to use you to go there!)