hes a maaagic man

Things are so wierd these days.  I hate where I live and I don’t have my family anymore.  Heather lives with her ex-teacher and classmate now.  Her teacher rented her the appartment above his and so now I never see her anymore.  I got her a steady working job with my company though, so for 15 minutes I get to see her when we go on break.  But it’s just not enough.  And whenever I do see her she’s mad at me for something…

My appartment sucks.  I was up late last night and now I’m being woken up by the sound of lawnmowers.  Fuckin people, don’t they realize it’s November?!  There is no grass anymore!!  It stopped growing about 2 months ago!  I used to spend the night at Josh’s every night just so I didn’t have to deal with it.  But now he had to move back in with his parents because his roomates carwreck, he couldn’t afford a new car and the rent payments… so now I’m stuck at home again.  I can’t sleep here with the mowers, and the loud parties at night, and the damn kids that wake up and run around screaming in the morning. 

So things in my head have been confusing.  I’m trying so hard to let go of Tom.  I guess you never can let go of your first love.  I already know and convinced myself we don’t have a future, just because it’s impossible really.  I miss him so much, but neither one of us can afford the move or living expenses.  And so I’ve tried moving on and being with Josh, but I can’t bring myself to say he’s my boyfriend.  I just feel maybe it’s a little too fast.  He is very sweet to me though and I know we would be good together.  I think that’s what I’m scared of the most.  It’s comforting but scary.  I don’t know if I want something so serious again right now.  I don’t want that damned label.  He already talks about buying me a ring too and marriage and having kids and stuff… so it just makes me feel as soon as I say “sure lets be the big boyfriend and girlfriend!”  He’s going to expect all of that.  I mean I know we’d talk it out because we talk about everything… Maybe I’m just finding excuses?  Whatever it is, I hope I get over it, because me not being with him officially or whatever.. I can see that it hurts him.

I guess I’m just freaking out. 

I want to find my mom a man too.  She’s so lonely and it makes me sad when all of us (me and my sisters) go out and leave her here.  She needs to go out to Barnes and Noble or something and find a guy that loves books as much as she does and they can read with eachother. 

I want to go back to school too.. I wish I could afford it.

Neway, I’m going to go and get ready and hopefully end up going to the aquarium today.  I love fishies ^_^ 

And if anybody cares to even read this anymore, Hello and I miss you all.