01/11/2014

So, a lot has happened since I last wrote.  I suffered panic attacks almost throughout he entire month of December.  I was told I have Anxiety and was prescribed Xanax.  I wasn’t really told about the side effects or how hard his medication is to come down off of or withdrawl from, nor was I told about how the effects can be reversed in some individuals. Well, as luck would have it, I was one of those individuals…

I suffered my first attack December 4th.  I called he paramedics because I thought I was dying of a heart attack.  It was an extremely surreal experience.  It was triggered because my son woke up in he middle of the night, and he had a fat lip from bonking his face on the tile floor, but he was crying so hard and looked so swollen and felt feverish, I was sure he was having an allergic reaction to something.  Turns out he was fine, but I freaked out.  I couldn’t feel my hands or legs, I felt like I was going to faint, and at first I couldn’t find my heartbeat!  I just kept thinking my next breath was my last.

I went to the doctor the next day, they did an EKG and it came back abnormal and referred me to a Cardiologist, too.  Since then I have found out there is nothing wrong witth my heart or circulatory system (bsides a small hole in my heart called a PFO), or adereanal glands for that matter.  But in the process of finding out if I was healthy or not, I ended up having a panic attack over it and took the Xanax.

I only took 8 pills and my whole month of December was a drug induced hell and blur.  I ended up researching myself about what it’s like to detox off of Xanax, and it says that he pill only has it’s immediate calming effects for he first few hours, then at 72 hours the symptoms of withdrawl peak and mimic panic attack symptoms.  Not knowing this I would take another pill thinking I was panicing again.  

I ended up losing a lot of weight because I couldn’t produce the saliva needed to chew food, and I didn’t sleep hardly at all, I went 6 nights straight once in a row!  It was horrible… My heart was constantly beating out of my chest and I ended up in he ER 3 times thinking I was dying.

Now I am off the medicine and I feel better.  I’m seeing a psychologist.  I sometimes feel a little on edge and my heart starts beating fast and I get shaky….  Who knew I’d go crazy….

I’m sure it’s all the stress with having to quit my job and be a stay at home mom.  It hasn’t been an easy adjustment for me.. Not to mention the one income is hard to live on.  Sometimes I wish we could have made the daycare route work.  I just feel so unfit to be a mom sometimes.  I just hope I don’t screw them up.

I hope I can sleep now…  I’ve just been lying here in bed for the past 4 hours.