Falling Appart

What do you do when it seems as though everyone you love has left you behind? My dad passed away on the 3rd of this month, something I knew would someday happen, but he was only 61. Too young to be gone. I was off on a hairbraned run away mission to escape the pain in my heart caused by being in love with someone who refused to follow his heart. Dad didn’t want me to go, but I went anyway. I was gone a little over a week and one day I couldn’t get through on the phone, so I tried multiple times the next day, still nothing and the next. I knew in my gut what they would find, but I couldn’t give up the faint thread of hope that said maybe he’ just kept forgetting his phone. I never want to go to Tenn. again. The worst part is all I want to do is call him and talk. My dad is one of the greatest people in this world and he’s my hero. I would give anything to have him back. I’ll never get to see my daddy again. I’m not even 26, I’m too young for this he didn’t get enough time with his grand daughter. All I had to do was stay, maybe he’d still be here. He was alone when he died. No one should have to die alone. I left him alone. What kind of daughter leaves her father alone like that?

On top of that I turned to the one who I’d been running from to help me cope. He had already started banging some married tramp he worked with. From loved to replaced so quickly. In his heart there is a place that I hold, but he’ll never allow that part to come out. We had so many things get in the way of our love. I wish I could talk to him again.

So, I’m caught in this mess that I made and terrified of my own mind. One moment I think things will be okay and the next I question if my daughter would be better off without me. All I want is to be held in the arms that broke my heart and to talk to my dad. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have one of those things. I found a bottle of pills today, decently strong ones that dad used to have. I put them away, but I couldn’t convince myself to get rid of them.

Everyone seems to be doing better without me in their lives, all I’ve done is hurt people, not because I intend to but because I can’t help it. Every dream I’ve ever had for a happy life has been obliterated by my own reactions to things that have gone on around me. I asked him if he thought I deserved this and he couldn’t answer me. Where did the loving man I fell in love with go? Why is there a selfish little boy in his place? The future stands in front of me, but there seems like nothing will ever be good again. I talk to kiddo and even hearing her voice doesn’t help emoguh to make me think of anything good coming of these recent events.

All I have is memories of how it felt to be loved and wanted. I know I have people out there who want to help and care about me, but I can’t replace this emptiness that has taken controll of me. I can’t find me. I used to know who I was and what I would and wouldn’t do for love, but I have crossed lines beyond anything I would ever concider excusable. I don’t know this monster that looks back at me in the mirror. Where have I gone?

When we first met again for the second time everything fell into place as if placed there by God. I fell hard and fast. We fit like two pieces of a puzzle made to fit. In every way we fit. The love in our hearts was made to outlast time, but he fought it. Afraid to let himself have what God gave him. Now he has turned his back on what God intended us to share.

The emptiness and darkness inside me keep trying to spill out onto those around me. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. God knows I never wanted to hurt anyone in the first place. I’ve lost the little girl my dad knew and loved. Somehow thrown away the person I was ment to be. I just want my daddy!