Things may get better

We had plans for last Sunday which was our wedding anniversary. Joshua was sick, so we came straight home from church. I was kind of disappointed. Still, Jays surprised me on Saturday after work bringing home a vase of flowers and perfumes and a pretty broach for me. He also got a stem of rose for Elizabeth and balloons for the kids.

Joshua’s break is finally over. He goes back to school for part-time starting Monday. Unless the kids with autism are scheduled for therapies or some sort of activities, having a break isn’t so exciting news for the parents or the kids in many cases. It can be difficult for the both sides. Breaking routines for these kids isn’t easy and working parents have to worry about who will take care of their kids. Its not easy that they can send the kids to the regular daycare. Joshua was very, very frustrated that he wasn’t going to school or doing something active outside. All I could do was to take him on the swing in our patio. He broke down few times. It was frustrating for me, too. I was sad for him.

I think my words finally reached Jays’s heart somewhat. For years, I would say that whatever I say to him, my words may enter thru his ears but he poops them out. Anyway, I was getting pretty much serious 2 days ago when I told him that we should maybe get a divorce or just be separated for a while. Maybe I shouldn’t move California with him. I hate fighting with Jays in front of the kids, but I had to get it out of him that night. I thought I couldn’t last any loger. My version was that the future is important, but what’s today is very important, too. I was emphasizing that lets try to be happy today and pay attention to each other more. I told him like how I have always that I want a happy and healthy relationship between Jays and I. Even though we don’t have enough money right now or can’t go out much, I just want to be happy with each other, talk to each other, cuddle with each other, just take time to breathe and enjoy the moment. His version was that he needs to do whatever and save money and work as much as he can so we can have better life in the future. Jays’s every day has been very exhausting and stressful, because he concentrated too much on the future. He was always tired and couldn’t do much with the kids or with me. I told him that if he continues to be this way keep ignoring us, I won’t be in his future. Its all about the mind set. I think Jays took it a little more serious this time. He said sorry and will try to value the present.

Jays’s buying a plane ticket right now. He’s driving the van to California next weekend and will be back flying after a week. He needs to go to reserve the spot for the business, deposit money for a place to live, and prepare the paperwork for Joshuas school.

I really feel like there is nowhere my belly can grow anymore. My ribs hurt and sleeping is very uncomfortable. 6 more weeks…

I think it’ll be better for me to stay here rather than going to my parents’ house until I can move to California with my daughters after Jays and Joshua leave first. I’m going to miss my son so soso much. This place will be very empty just us here.

I wish I stop swelling… My hands and legs and feet are killing me.