No right to die

Only response I hear from my mom every time I share with her how I feel, she would say just deal with it. She says you have kids to take care of, deal with your problems. Live with it. Whatever words you say only scatter in the air. Nothing she said are wrong. I agree, but she doesn’t realize that the life I ended up with now has to do with the decisions that I made for my parents 6 years ago. I regret every single day. I can only blame on my stupidity. How come I didn’t realize that my life shouldn’t be based on my parents’ happiness or their satisfaction? They were never satisfied or realize the sad consequences that I have to live with for the rest of my life because of love and obligations toward my parents. I still love them and I always will, but I must keep the distance to protect the relationship between them and I that becoming to deteriorate. I know they are sad about the news that we are leaving soon and its hard for me to think about how they feel. Today, my mom told me that my dad said he doesn’t want to think about us leaving soon and be sad, yet. He feels overwhelmed to think how he will feel when it really happens. I should be a little tough about how they feel this time. I always gave in for them because I didn’t want them to be sad. Same thing for my brother. I wish I had more normal family setting. Order to do that, I learned that I shouldn’t be too involved with each other’s life. My mom said she wishes that my daughters and I live here and only Jays and Joshua move to California. I didn’t say anything back. I’m moving to California not because I’m dying to be with Jays but I can’t imagine myself to be apart from my son. If I had planned having third child when Elizabeth turned 1, things could’ve been easier.

I need to stop expecting certain things from Jays like sharing responsibility about the kids or the things need to be done. I have to stop seeking attention from him. I think we’re just not compatible with each other. What can I say…? I’m the one who married a man who is insensitive and egocentric toward his wife. I thought for the most of the part that it was because my heart embraced my ex and I was the one who didn’t let my husband come in. Action speaks louder than the words and I don’t feel the love he claims so often thru his words. There is so little or no foundation of love and friendship between us that need to stick us together. I feel sorry for myself very once in a while. There is nothing I can do right this moment about it. I’m exhausted trying to be heard and making things right. I’m tired of the disappointments and tears. I’m tired of sounding like a broken record. Whenever I was in pain or sick inside or out, I had to suffer in silence and just weep on the kitchen floor or under the pillow. I’m lonely and sad, but I have to try to be positive and keep going forward at the same time. I sometimes wish I could escape everything an die, but I kno so well that I don’t have the right to die. My kids don’t deserve nothing part of my issues and don’t want them to be affected by them. As a woman, I have a lot of problems and have to deal with a million pieces of my broken life, but I know as a mother to my children, I’m no less than any mothers out there. One day in the future, I hope my daughters can understand how I feel and we could talk about it.

I got the flu shot at the prenatal visit on Monday. The needle must’ve been big. It still feels bruised and has a little bump on my arm. I need to take the kids for the flu shot on Sunday to K’roger. I hope they have the breathing thru the nose one instead of the needles.

I was really hoping the doctor to tell me to prick less than 4 times a day on Monday. She still wants me to do 4 times. I stop doing it.