Marker party

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” — Oscar Wild

I decided there will be no crayons in this house until I know for sure that Joshua will not eat them. I’m usually very careful about handing Elizabeth 1 or 2 crayons at a time. I forget to take them back once in a while, or if Joshua finds an opportunity to spot one, he eats them. Jays always gets upset with me finding out later that Joshua’s poop comes out as green or blue or depends on what color Joshua ate. I feel bad for Elizabeth sometimes, because she often has to give up or not allowed to have or do something because of Joshua. I promised her that I’ll buy her washable markers yesterday. I picked up few things for the grocery, and I bought her a pack of those markers. Stupid me, I put all the markers in the medal box and gave them to Elizabeth after we got home. I thought they are washable anyway and expected that she will go wild with them. She was having fun and even shared the markers with Joshua. In the morning, Jays nagged me for the markers on the walls and the floor. He got agitated that Joshua had markers all over his face.

When we woke up this morning, the time was 8:30am. Jays got mad at me and blamed on me that I didn’t get up. First of all, my alarm was on and obviously I couldn’t get up at 6. I already told Jays before that getting up at 6 is too hard for me these days with my huge pregnant body and that my kids just don’t go to sleep until its really late. I even turn all the lights off, and Joshua needs to run until he’s very tired and Elizabeth doesn’t fall asleep until 2 lately. Jays has his alarm on and I told him to go sleep in the Joshua’s bedroom and he didn’t. I got Joshua ready as fast as I can. I washed his face trying to get the marker off his face after Jays told me, but I wasn’t sure if they were all off. I called out for Jays to check on his face and he got agitated again. I know we were running late, but he mnade it sound like it was my fault.

Seriously, Jays always finds something to make me feel bad every single day. He did change a lot ever since we married. I’m sure I did, too, but he seems like he doesn’t realize how much he hurts me. So many times, I try to talk to him about how he hurts my feelings and he does it again then acts like nothing happened. Every time I explain to him, he simply says I’m sorry or I love you. Those words seem meaningless to me. I’m sad. Its like I’m just a person who bares children, raise them, and do housework. It was way better before we signed the document. I sometimes wish that we weren’t married. He usually starts off in the morning leaving me feeling down all day and he does it again at night after he comes home. I know he has a lot on his shoulders and things are really stressful especially dealing with my dad or my brother at work and trying to get ready to move, but he treats me pretty poor except for when he’s in a good mood. I always try to rationalize things in his shoes and justify his action and try to find what my faults are. Then, I eventually feel sorry for him. This is my usual daily repeats. I sometimes feel like I’m not a good mother or a suitable wife for him. The other day, he got very upset with me for talking about my dream home to him. He said I’m wasting my time that I should be realistic and concentrate on the present and figure out how we would survive better once we move with our new business and all. I was crushed. I can’t even dream. I’m seriously considering divorce in the future once my kids are independent. I think I’ll be happy being a single. That’s why, I need to go back to school or have my own job and be ready for myself good. I mean there are good days, but I have more bad days. Jays makes me cry so many times to sleep. There was many nights I sob sitting on the kitchen floor. I can only blame myself for being so stupid in the beginning. I really believed I should make everyone happy. The night I finally gave up and had to allow Jays to come pick me up to come back to Ohio, I didn’t tell my ex that he’s coming. I wanted to make it look like I didn’t know. I thought it was the best thing to do to hurt my ex less that way rather than letting him know that I chose to comeback here. I know my ex had a lot of potentials and will do much better if I’m not there anymore, which he is doing very well now, and make my parents happy if I was back with jays at that time. Anyway, I don’t want to regret, but Jays makes me regret so much every time he makes me feel I’m not appreciated or feel lonely. I think of this moment of my life as a battle that I must fight on and survive because I have kids that I have to care for. They are my responsibility and its my duty as a mother to make sure that they’re happy and healthy. Maybe one day, my daughters will understand me and and ok with my decisions later for getting a divorce. I don’t want to hate Jays, but maybe its better if we just became friends.

In addition, my mom can’t stop nagging me how I’m raising my children. I know she wants to help, but things she says really makes me feel like I’m bad. She keep sayings that she doesn’t know if I’ll do well taking care of my kids moving away from them. I really need to be left alone and let me be the mother.

I just have to do what I have to do and try to suppress my scattered emotions inside for now. They won’t do any good to my kids anyway. I don’t want to affect them because my own issues.

Joshua finally started potty training at school. I’m praying that he’ll do well. He has the idea peeing in the toilet when we take him there but hopefully he’ll learn to ask us or go to the bathroom on his own one day.