Just hanging here

I feel more anxious and worried each day. I’m full term in 2 weeks and don’t know when the baby will arrive. Elizabeth was born on 37th week. I had 2 c-sections, but I’m still scared. I wish I didn’t have c-sections. My goal was always to deliver my babies vaginally until Joshua was measured as a big baby. Then, I had the emergency c-section with Elizabeth, which I really think I probably didn’t have a choice with her umbilical cord wrapped around Elizabeth’s neck 3 times.

I get sadder to think that I have to be apart from Joshua after a month for… I don’t know… It could be 2 months or less or more depends on the situation. I’m going to cry a lot missing my son. I know Jays is a good daddy, but I will still worry about his well-being and safety.

Joey and Blanca are taking care of Lily right now until we move California. She is a white toy poodle. Jays drove there with her and dropped her off. We thought we had to give her away again, but I’m glad we don’t have to. Elizabeth will be happy to see her again later. I just feel bad that Lily is on period starting few days ago at their house. I should give them a gift or something when I pick her up.

I can feel the baby’s very low in my pelvis. I feel like walking with a bowling ball between my legs. Each foot step hurts so much.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. They rejected my medicade. The girl at the counter was pretty bitchy. She said I need a permission slip from the doctor. I left and had sub sandwich and strawberry dip in dots. I stopped by Claire’s to buy few things for Elizabeth with my guilt eating dip and dots without Elizabeth and bought a cute ducky lollipop for Joshua. My belly kept knocking things down off the hooks and shelves. I felt really fat. lol

We decided on the name for our store and signed the paper and all. Its a beauty store. I’ll talk more about that later. We don’t have a lot of money to start all that fancy, but Jays is confident that he can do it. All I can do is to hope for the best and pray. Jays tells me that it’ll be very hard at first and we won’t have any money to do anything until the business picks up the pace. I don’t expect much. Jays wants me to be very involved with it. I just hope things will be all ok.

Maybe I could go back to school later and I want to have piano lessons. Maybe I should’ve gone into a music major rather than pre-law.

I think my parents are more used to the idea of us moving out of state and that’s good.

I can’t wait to have a normal life setting again. I can’t stand everythings everywhere because we’re packing and the stress of moving and settling down. I hope to get a 3 bedroom townhouse, but if that’s not the case,I want to rent a small house. But with the money, we might have to move to a 2 bedroom apartment. I want my own room and have a bed to sleep on and not on the floor again. I hate living in an apartment. I hate to worry about the complaints from other people if Joshua runs or Trinket barks or something. I had these people complained about everything and policemen came almost every night. That was a nightmare. Eventually the whole police dept got to know us and felt sorry for us and even told us to hang on. Anyway, I think almost all apartments smell especially in the bathroom. Maybe its because everyone shares the water pipes and pipes are usually old.

I mis drinking coffee without worrying about how much of caffine I take.

No more pregnancy for me.