Crying out

I’m not happy. I thought I was ok, but I am not. Most is coming from this person so-called husband. I feel like I’m done. I don’t even know where to begin. 8 years of stash finally is coming to fall. I don’t hate him, maybe resentful, I just want to be separated. I always tried so hard to stay in a marriage for the sake of my kids. I’ve been very depressed and sad for so long, I will fall apart. I am falling apart… I am leaving. Jays just doesn’t see or hear me. I hated the beauty supply business. I never liked it and never will. I thought we could have more family time and things could be better between Jays and i when we moved to Cali. He says he loves me often, but I don’t feel the true meaning in that phrase. He always does what he wants to do ignoring my opinions and advise. I even told him, I don’t need a lot of money. I don’t want a house either if we could be happy, more loving toward each other and just be filled with laughter and bubbles just for us 5 being healthy and have enough money to buy food and pay rent and maybe little bit of spending money to take the kids out sometimes and could save like 100 here, 100 there or whatever. I asked him to just shut down the beauty supply and keep the water store where we don’t need much of stress and being exhausted all the time. I wish we had saved all the money that went in to that stupid business. We could’ve bought a small house or put down a deposit to buy a house.We could’ve just manage the water stor and have fun. And, we could’ve just continue our education eventually and both of us get some part-time jobs. I don’t know… Something like that. I still care about him, but things won’t work out between us. I hate him being so resentful toward my side of family all the time, I hate him spitting out so hurtful comments toward me then acts nothing is rong and talks to me like normal after he hurts me. He seems to let all his stress on me. Sex life sucks. I pleaded, begged, yelled, wrote messages, trying to send out my heart. Everything had gone down to the drain. Only part hurts me the most and shreds my heart is that I won’t be able to take the kids with me right now. I have to leave without them and find a way for me to survive, get a position, save money and come back for the kids. I will never leave them, but physically I’ll have to. I know Elizabeth will be just fine, she’s smart and quick. I know Jays loves Joshua very much. Its more about Selene that I have to leave her here. She’s only 7 months right now. I called and found out she needs bith certificate which Jays never got it from Ohio, and she needs a passport, but I can’t drive or can get any help her to get a passport. I feel suffocated from Jays and the fact that I have to keep them here and I will miss then every day until I return. Jays made my relationship with my side of family pretty bad where my mom flew back after 4 days she came here from Ohio and we are not talking ever since. I think its over a month now. I can’t talk to anyone except I was able to vent out to my best friend over the weekend. Jays was pissed that I went out for a drink. Sometimes he’s 2 different persons to me. He can be very sweet and everyone sees him such a great husband to me, or sometimes he can shatter me and kill me with his words. I know kids will be fine with him. I know he forgets to clip their nails or keep constant attention to them or don’t know how to pick out outfits for them, but I know he’ll keep them safe and healthy. I’m coming back, but I got nothing to share the custody with Jays. I don’t want to take any money. I want rather Jays spend it on the kids. I’m going away in 3 months, far away where Jays can’t change my mind an stop me from filing for the divorce.I feel very horrible because what I’m doing to my kids and a bad mom, but I know when I come back, everything will be normal again and I’ll be happy and mentally and emotionally healthier. I feel alone and I will be doing this all alone. I’m hugging the kids more, touching their faces, and play with them as much as I can. I’m taking lots of pictures and video taping them a lot so I can listen to their voices every day later. I wish Jays kno how I feel. I even told him, I’m exhausted and if we can’t be happy together, I want us to be separated and just be good team to take care of our kids. Nothing goes thru his head and once I’m gone, it’ll be too late because I’m not coming back to be back with him. Jays is not a bad person, but he seemed to be changed a lot and just don’t see that he’s hurting me.I feel like a nanny and its like I’m his roommate, well we don’t sleep together usually because of the kids, but he doesn’t care much.I wish he doesn’t get so irritated with me or get mad at me.Its almost every day and my heart sinks down to the bottom. Jays remembers what to do for the business, but he forgets everything what I ask him to do. I know he’ll be more stressed and tired once I’m gone, but I see no way out other then I just leave him then he’ll believe me. I’m not taking anything. Just a backpack. Jays knows my diary exists. I hope he fines this entry and reads it. I’m leaving in 3 months, but I still want to give him a chance to at least show me there is a hope for us…

I will do the updates about last 2 months later.