Hear You Me

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

-Jimmy Eat World

–

This always seems to happen. Every year my birthday starts growing nearer, and I hope that for once, god I’ll have something to look forward to.

Another year will go by, and I’ll be a year older with little to show for it. Most likely, people will forget again. That surprise party I’ll always hope will be around the corner won’t happen. This year I’ll probably drink myself alone into a stupor, crying and wishing I weren’t alive, and then I’ll go to bed alone and wake up to face life the next day.

Drew is trying his hardest, bless his heart, but I’m not going to see him for my birthday. As it stands now, actually, I won’t be able to see him for a few months. He was going to come up this weekend if Erica could drive with him, and quiz him so he wouldn’t lose study time. Erica couldn’t get off work, so he’s not going to come. And he’s got obligations the weekend following that, and then after that he’s going to leave for 6 weeks of ground school.

So there’s two months right there.

The thought of him coming up this weekend was something that was keeping me going. At this point I feel so fucking empty and drained, and I needed something to look forward to. Now? Now I’m going to spend the weekend dirt poor, without the paycheck that I’m sacrificing for Abe’s birthday present on a trip to Holland that may not even happen. I suppose he needs the money more than I do anyways, though. What I have to look forward to in the next couple of weeks? Work. Watching out for my last remaining friend here, who is dealing with his own problems.

I saw Tyler outside of Barnes and Nobles when I was waiting for Abe to get out of work. He was the first to ask me how I was doing. He said that what I was doing is something that only a truly good friend can do, and that it’s so often a thankless job that goes completely unnoticed. It was nice to hear someone mention that.

I’m tired of being selfless. I’m tired of doing what’s best for everyone else, no matter how shitty it makes me feel. I’m tired of having nobody to talk to, because everyone has so many more serious problems to deal with, and they don’t need the burdens of my angst.

I feel so fucking low right now. So dead and so empty and so sad, and there’s not an ear in the world to listen to me. I’ve spent the entire last week playing the healer in hopes that I would at least have a single friendly face and friendly ear to meet me at the end, give me a hug and tell me I did well, thank you, keep up the good work.

I just want to fall apart right now.

I want to self-destruct, and have someone to meet me at the end to help me pick up the pieces. But for now? I have to hold myself together because it’s what everyone around me needs. I’m stuck every day with little to do.

I spent the afternoon cleaning my apartment in anticipation for Drew visiting this weekend. Now? I have a clean apartment to entertain myself with.

And what am I going to do now? I’m going to sit here, crying for a while, finishing up this angstly little entry. I’m going to smoke the cig I bummed off of Abe, and then I’m going to go to bed and go to my classes tomorrow. I’m going to finish classes, come back here, sit and stare at my computer and wait for my one phone call a day from Drew, go to my trombone lessons, to the Symphonic Band concert tomorrow, then I’m going to go to bed. Then Friday morning, I’m going to wake up, go to classes, then have the entire weekend empty and free with not a soul to share it with. I’m probably going to stay in, eat food that’s bad for me, watch whatever shit movies are on TV, and go to bed alone.

I thought loving someone would kill this loneliness. In fact, it only seems to enhance it.

So I guess I’ll carry on with the evening’s plans.

-M