5/15/07
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million same
Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious
And you don’t see me
But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there’s more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you
‘Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy
Oh well, oh well
Apparently nothing,
Apparently nothing at all
You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me
You don’t see me
You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me at all
-A Perfect Circle
–
Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
I always am. I always seem to be keeping my eyes on the future. What could become. What I hope will become.
What will never become.
–
Every time he refers to his ex-girlfriend by her real name and not by the nickname that everyone calls her, I wince. He’s the only one who calls her that anymore, and he does so because he’s victimized himself so fucking much by how she hurt him. He won’t let it go.
And because he won’t let it go he won’t say to me what I can feel is on the tip of his tongue. We could really grow if he’d just let it go. He’s become so used to being the victim, the martyr, the one who was so hurt by this situation. He just won’t let it go.
–
He doesn’t realize that his pain becomes my pain. It’s a trickle down concept. If his mind is still on what happened two fucking years ago, he can’t be there mentally in our relationship. It annoys me and hurts me, but I can’t say anything about it because what happened between them is none of my business. At least that’s what he’d tell me.
–
Maybe I’m reading too far into this. I’m in a relationship where I’m trying to plan for the future. He’s in a relationship where his mind is firmly on the present.
–
This is why I hate times like this. I have too much time alone to think. My little pessimistic mind always concentrates on the bad, sees what will never happen. It combs through all of the negative possibilities that have such a wonderful chance of becoming reality. Ideas that knock the breath out of me, that create such a sense of hopelessness that it hurts.
All of my friends have left for the summer. I’ve got half a month until my summer classes start, absolutely no money (I was ecstatic to be able to buy a cup of coffee today after one of my textbooks sold for $7) no job (I’ve sent out about a dozen applications, haven’t heard back from half, been turned down by half.) None of my roommates are even home. I’m facing an absolutely necessary repair on my car which will probably run me upwards of $500, without which my car could be rendered absolutely undrivable. I’ll have to call my parents tomorrow once I find out the exact amount and beg for money to fix it. Without my car, though, my chances of getting a job become exponentially less and less. As will my sanity.
I have too much time to think. I hate feeling like I’m rotting in this prison of an apartment with nothing to do, nothing on TV, nobody to talk to because my so-called friends have found better things to do than comfort me while I’m stuck here fucking alone and rotting. I’m sick of sitting around waiting for my one phone call a day from my boyfriend, only to be reminded that we’re using minutes and he can’t talk that long.
I’m sick of the feeling that I can’t even afford a cheap bottle of liquor or wine to kill this pain, to give me something to do. I’m sick of sleeping 14 hours a day for complete lack of anything better to do.
I’m just sick.
–
I need to be put out of my misery.
–
-M