practicing patience

These past few days have been up and down, going back to work is such a drag. It is nothing new, I don’t have to explain it. It just makes me feel wholly inadequate and stressed out and anxious. I find myself racking my brain for any solution that can get me out of this situation as quickly as possible, checking job listings hundreds of times a day to see if anything new has popped up. It is on my mind all the time. 

Haven’t been doing much these past few days except working and spending time with Justin. We watch movies together and play memory and lay across from each other doing this thing where I say, "Tell me something." And then he has to come up with something new to tell me about him and his life. He does it back to me, and it’s surprisingly difficult to know what to say. Usually one of us will just say something and that will lead us down a conversation path until we both have had our fill, and then we start again: "Tell me something."

I wish I could break out of this cycle of sadness and worry. I wish money weren’t weighing on my mind so much: how do I get enough of it to be secure, to buy a house, to stop working. How do I have enough to feel free. But money isn’t really the problem, it’s my mindset. How do I keep myself happy with no money is maybe a better question. 

I’ve been doing lots and lots and lots of yoga, meditating on these questions and hoping to ease some of the anxiety stewing in my brain. Slow yoga and sweaty yoga and everything in between. I am getting better, I think. I know most of the poses now, I can transition into them seamlessly and hold my body long and lean and keep my breath even. I am bendy and strong. My balance is better, even though I am still not good at inversions. Yoga is helping my mind and body but not enough for either, really. I want more intense workouts for my body. I want more permanent solutions for my brain. 

There is not much else I want to say. I feel boring and sad. I feel stuck. 

I must practice patience.