how it is

It is getting cold and the rain has started. I’m sure there will be more nice days to come, but for now the forecast is rain. Cold, grey rain falling from a infinitely threatening cloudswept sky. It is incredibly depressing to me, and I am hanging onto the last remnants of summer with every last bit of strength that I have. I am so afraid of winter. 

My BFF to be Cheyenne said she is excited about the cooler weather. Sweaters and hot beverages and cuddling. Being COZY and warm and baking food. I understand this, but do not feel the same way. I anticipate this winter to be exceptionally cold, bleak, and lonely. I’ve always felt that way about winter but I had started to come around to it with Eric in his house where winter was when the entire town came alive. When I could strap on some skis and glide through the woods touching pine needles encased in snow. There really was no safer feeling than being alone in the ski cabin with Eric while the snow poured from the sky, sitting in front of the wood stove next to him drinking wine and reading. BUT but but.

I hate that all I can think to write about is him, but it seems Eric is defining my life right now, or rather the LACK of Eric is defining me. 

I had a busy weekend, maybe too busy. We had the goodbye party for the radio station and Kristin and I DJed our first live set. I was expecting to get completely plastered, hit on everyone I saw, and potentially do things I would later regret, but fortunately (?) that didn’t happen. I talked to lots of new people but didn’t feel a strong connection with any of them. I also talked to lots of friends. It is nice that my circle has gotten big enough that I can go to parties and know a steady stream of the people there. Overall, it was fun and sad, like most of my life these days.

Sunday I volunteered for the AIDS walk, helping break down the tents and poles and flags in the rain. We were rewarded with pizza for our efforts, and then I headed over to the IPRC to have our first zine meeting of this year. It was really good to see everyone. And of course I have lots of energy to pour into it and feel excited and overwhelmed at the same time about it. Only one other person showed up to the open meeting which was discouraging, but at least the person who showed up is solid and I think will be a good addition to our team this year (if she sticks with us!) We need to do more recruiting. Portland Zine Symposium has a marketing problem. 

So. Tomorrow will be four weeks. I want to say it has been a month, to reach that milestone and put it the fuck behind me, but we’re still a few days off from that. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing way better and then other times I feel like there is a vice around my heart. I want to say that I’m not crying daily, and I think that might be true although it does feel like at least once a day I do spend a good few minutes crying. There is nothing wrong with it; it’s just an indication of what’s going on with me. 

I called him yesterday between things, I couldn’t help it. It’s weird, so weird to go from talking to someone every single day, telling them everything, to telling them nothing even though it feels like you are going through THE BIGGEST THING. So I called him and we talked, and I didn’t cry (too much, just a little bit) which felt like an improvement. He mostly talked at me, the way he does, the way he’s always done. We did not talk about much of importance. He talked about his life and what he’s been up to, what he’s looking forward to but as usual didn’t spend much time asking me about myself. We did talk about us a little bit, what we are both going through. He wants to get to the point where we can booty call each other. He says he feels protective of me and wants me to consider him as an option before I do something that could be potentially dangerous or harmful to myself. How chivalrous! What I don’t know is if it’s going to suck worse to sleep with Eric again or to sleep with someone new. I feel like both things are going to be really painful but maybe I am just being pessimistic. 

I WILL BE IN PARIS IN ONE AND A HALF WEEKS. God, I am excited to be on vacation. 

OK, ok, I’ll wrap up. I am doing OK just feeling really scattered and separate like maybe I’m not all here. Like parts of myself are floating slightly out of reach. I want things I can’t have and I am trying to take refuge in the places I have created for myself, but they aren’t finished yet. Some days I feel strong and other days terribly vulnerable. That is how it is, but you probably knew that already.

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September 23, 2013

i dont know if there is ever a point where you can reliably booty call exes without feelings but MAYBE???

September 23, 2013

i mean i have done it a couple times but p sure there is a “line” and it is something like 1 time per year

September 23, 2013

things are weird and sad right now, but I know you know it will get better. I hope it is happening a little each day, moment to moment. I miss you!