be honest.

People often say, “be honest,” though I suspect they don’t always realize the implications/repercussions (i.e. shattering illusions, splitting universes, altering reality).

“To thine own self be true,” sounds good in theory but there is much heartache to give and to receive before accomplishing any amount of real truth. I may not be brave enough to go on. I might just settle in here and lie to myself until I die. I’m tired of running after the fantasy – the myth that my true self even exists. This is my true self, sitting here struggling to maintain balance between good and evil; hiding my face from the world until I feel inspired. It’s what I do.

I excel at masking my desires and denying, denouncing them. I have to keep myself busy and distracted so I, and I quote myself here, “stay out of trouble.” I define trouble as pretty much any action or series of thoughts that directly or indirectly creates conflict. Subsequently, I live one of those dreaded lives of “quiet desperation.” Afraid to be and not to be; of light and lack of light.

My true self is reckless, unabashed, and deeply curious about the inner lives of others. I like getting close to people. The problem with my nature is that I get too close, too deep. I get that feeling of falling off a sandbar – a rush of adrenaline, the need to draw in extra air, and a plunge under refreshing, rejuvenating water. I enjoy it as long as I can.

Then the panic sets in. I have to come up for air.

I am a dreamer whose head is not in the clouds but deep under water. I need to breathe, come up for air, inhale, inspire before I can submerge again, and I will always be connected to that source. Sometimes, I wish I could just exist; really trust the source to uphold me and energize me endlessly until I die.